October 26, 2012

October 19, 2012

October 14, 2012

For Queen and Country

I submit that this is the most English paragraph ever written in any novel:
The family lived in an old rectory at the edge of the fells, where the pastures begin to be dotted by tussocks of sedge. They were acive in the parish; they kept two cars rushing to and fro along the web of thin crooked roads in and out of Preston, Clitheroe, and Longridge. 
The Heart Broke In, by James Meek
Possibly the only more English line in the book (which is quite good, by the way) is when he describes two characters enjoying a sixty-nine as "naked and contrariwise." Close your eyes and think of synonyms?

October 12, 2012

Conversations With Greatness CD

I've wasted my life.

October 10, 2012


I was going to write a pithy takedown today of this stupid ad that's been on the New York subways recently:

See, it's a Venn diagram! Never mind that it displays a fundamental misunderstanding of the entire fucking point of Venn diagrams, and that, "clever" idea aside, it consists of pretty flat and uninspiring copy. Venn diagrams! Cleverness! Wit!

But then I saw another ad on the subway that was even more vacuous and asinine and offensive, so much so that I couldn't even bring myself to take a picture of it — and I decided to write a pithy takedown of that, instead.

It was for Seamless.com, the already pretty vacuous and asinine and offensive food ordering website. Its general pitch to customers goes something like this: are you too lazy and/or stupid and/or self-important to look up an actual delivery place yourself? Well then, just come to our website and we'll do all that "hard" work for you! Better yet, we'll insidiously drive out smaller businesses by charging an exorbitant commission on orders for those who do join our network, and making effectively invisible to the biggest takeout orderers those who don't!

Not surprisingly, Seamless's biggest market is in New York, where approximately 95% of people are too lazy and/or stupid and/or self-important to look up delivery places for themselves — or, you know, to cook. Instead they get poorly paid restaurant and delivery workers to run around Midtown like hamsters on wheels, while they kick back and start three dozen websites about how much (or if) it's appropriate to tip said poorly paid workers, and send the Seamless guys laughing all the way to the bank. In the meantime, they generate such obscene amounts of plastic packaging and waste that half the time you can't even find a goddamned empty wastebasket anywhere in the city.

And then — THEN! — Seamless takes out ads on the subway that read (not a direct quote but neither a paraphrase): "Seamless: If your idea of doing dishes is recycling takeout containers."

OH! HA-HA! Aren't we adorable? Isn't our selfish disregard for the environment in favour of our own convenience endearing? Isn't it funny that this ecological sinkhole of a city has found yet another way to shit all over the planet? High fives, guys! NYC 4 EVA!

I will now attempt to climb over to the right side of my bed.

October 05, 2012

October 03, 2012

Is That A Fibrous Stalk of Peritoneal Tissue Attached To Your Cecum, Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me?

So today I discovered that I have a congenital intestinal defect as a namesake: Ladd's bands. They form at birth but can apparently go catastrophically unnoticed until middle-age, when all of a sudden they just start getting in the way of your duodenum and you get pretty sick.

Which is terrible.

What is awesome, however, in my trademark insensitive postmodern kind of way, is that they are also known as THE BANDS OF LADD. i.e. The item being quested after in a really pulpy fantasy novel, and/or a really entertaining televised talent show similar to America's Best Dance Crew (only really entertaining, natch), and/or a nomadic, paganistic people who travel the countryside looking for copies of my novel.

The Bands of Ladd.

I also found out that there's a section of the intestine called the jejunum, and was going to make an insufferable high-brow pun about how that was kind of unsophisticated and dull — but then I looked it up and realised that jejunum and the adjective jejune really do come from the same root. Which is almost bizarre as a piece of anatomy called Ladd's bands.

I don't really have a larger point I'm trying to make today, I just thought I'd loosely pull together a few pieces of vaguely interesting trivial shit. KIND OF LIKE YOUR INTESTINES.


N.B. Best not to ask why I was reading so much about the intestinal system today.