November 17, 2009

You Bring The Molehills, I'll Make The Mountains!

The blogosphere — and the print media, and Facebook, and fucking everybody, apparently — is currently up in arms about the RACIST MOVIE POSTER SCANDAL surrounding Vince Vaughan's latest snoozefest, Couples' Retreat. As you can see from this article in the Huffington Post, the UK version of the film's poster is missing a black couple that's in the US one, definitively proving that Britain is racist — or something.

In a statement, Universal Pictures claimed they were just trying to simplify the poster by including only stars who would be recognisable to an "international market" (NB. I live in the States and still have no fucking idea who Faizon Love is), but the bloodthirsty public won't fall for such brazen misdirection. No, this is an OUTRAGE! — A DISCRACE! AN ATROCITY!! — even though ALL studios alter their posters between the US and Britain for ALL movies, ALL the time.

Well, we here at plethoric pundigrions pride ourselves on our investigative journalism, and can therefore exclusively reveal that, in fact, AMERICA is far more racist than Britain. Consider the movie posters for the 2007 hit Ocean's Thirteen:

As you can plainly see, 25% of the people depicted on the UK poster are black, compared to a paltry 17% on the US poster. Furthermore, the UK poster includes one woman whereas the US poster has none. WHAT'S THE MATTER, AMERICA? CAN'T TAKE THE SIGHT OF SUCCESSFUL WOMEN?

Oh, but the discrimination doesn't end there. Maybe one of my American readers can explain why the fuck they hate dinosaurs so much:

Yeah, that's right — look at it. It's disgusting. The British DVD art contains THREE TIMES as many Tyrannosauruses as the US DVD art — not to mention twice as many squirrels.

So I say it's time we demand answers from the film studios. I won't rest until I have the severed head of a Warner brother in front of me.


Anonymous said...

It's not that Americans hate dinosaurs, most of them just don't believe in the existence of dinosaurs.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Post a Comment