March 30, 2009

Wiley

From Newsvine: Urban coyote attacks on rise, alarming residents
DENVER — Thanks to suburban sprawl and a growth in numbers of both people and animals, a rash of coyote encounters has alarmed residents. . .

Residents are warned to not feed coyotes, to keep dogs on short leashes, and to yell or throw rocks at coyotes so they associate humans with bad things.
Yeah, right, that'll work — how many times did Road Runner knock the crap out of that coyote? And he still kept coming back!

That said, here a few other ideas for creating bad associations with humans:

•Persuade the coyote to put its savings into a 401k scheme.

•Show the coyote an entire season of SNL with all the Digital Shorts and Weekend Updates cut out.

•Make the coyote join Facebook and then totally keep it on limited profile.

•Ask the coyote to help you move.

•Treat the coyote to an impromptu a cappella rendition of John Denver's greatest hits.

•Get the coyote a job in a restaurant; then, go there for lunch, spend the entire meal demanding more water, and tip 8%.

•Insist on referring to the coyote as your "homie".

And, of course:

•Drop an anvil on its head.

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