October 31, 2008

October 30, 2008

The Most Exercising I've Done All Week

My absentee ballot arrived today — I vote in Florida, not Massachusetts — and so I can now proudly say that I voted in The Most Important Election In History EVER #347.

The funny thing about voting absentee is that you're suddenly flung into a world of local politics that ordinarily fly entirely underneath your radar. So, while I was relatively comfortable filling in the oval for the presidential/vice-presidential election, it took me a little longer to work out how I wanted to fill in the other twenty-three.

I'll admit, it can be hard to take seriously referenda on issues that really have no bearing on my everyday life — especially when those issues are in Florida, because a lot of the time I'm not that happy with any of the choices available. In the last election for senator down there, for instance, I couldn't find a single candidate that was anti-gun, pro-choice, or anti-Iraq. (I think I ended up voting for the incumbent because his name was Melquiades and he never loses anyway.) This time, at least, I've been blessed with a state congressional candidate who is all of the above and pro-environment, to boot, but she's running against a nine-term incumbent with approximately six thousand times more funding, so I'm not too hopeful.

Then the ballot begins to get into stuff about judicial district judges, and I really have to fight the urge to fill in ovals at random (I almost voted to retain one guy just because he had the same name as a character from 24). By the time it gets into county stuff I usually figure that anyone who cares enough to run for the Soil and Water Conservation board probably knows what they're doing, but I at least attempt a half-hearted Google of the candidates to make sure they're not on the sex offenders register or anything.

Sometimes, of course, this can be quite entertaining, like this article about the race for county sheriff:
In a time when citizens are demanding tax cuts and revenues are decreasing, Johnson said he is capable of building more public-private partnerships to pay for some of the Sheriff's Office's capital needs. . . .

In the wake of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, Johnson recalled, he raised private funds to buy a high-tech piece of homeland-security equipment.

"We were able to buy that bomb robot," he said.

Then, hopefully underestimating their readers' vocabulary, the article explains:
Experience — who is better qualified? — is also an issue in the campaign.
An area where, in fact, it seems there are few differences from the presidential race:
Johnson says it's him. . . .

"I know what's it's like to be shot at . . ."

Vaughn, of course, says his experience is broader. . . .

"I also conducted investigations in odometers," Vaughn said.
Anyway, now that I've voted, I can legitimately stop giving a shit about this election campaign — and let me tell you, I feel as liberated as an Iraqi circa 2003. You should all try it!

October 29, 2008

He Can't Abiden it

I think this is the single most amazing thing I have seen this whole damn campaign.

Best question: "How is Obama not being a Marxist?"

I would write more, but my girlfriend is sitting here on the couch watching me type this and it's a little awkward. Though she did come up with the pun in the title. (That's all you have to do, ladies.)

October 27, 2008

Telling Porkies

From Newsvine: Spicy pork sausage found in 'soiled diapers'
MCALLEN — Customs inspectors scored the makings of a barbecue when a 21-year-old South Texas woman declared several soiled baby diapers at a U.S.-Mexico border crossing.

Suspicious of the chunky diapers, inspectors with U.S. Customs and Border Protection at the international bridge in Hidalgo found several links of spicy pork sausage, or chorizo, inside.
And the award for best double entendre in a 2008 AP story goes to...
The Mission resident . . . was fined $300 and her chorizo was seized.
Wah-wah. If only it had been a dude! I would have died.

On a vaguely related note, does anyone find it unsettling that chorizo is an anagram of rich zoo?

October 24, 2008

October 22, 2008

Miss Take

From Newsvine: Miss Teen Louisiana arrested, loses crown
BOSSIER CITY — Miss Teen Louisiana is losing her crown 11 days early after being arrested on charges of leaving a restaurant without paying and carrying marijuana.
I think, for the sake of clarity, that should read:
...leaving a restaurant without paying [comma] and carrying marijuana.
Also, "Bossier City" has got to be one of the most awesome names for a city in the whole United States. Now we know where all our wives and girlfriends should move to, am I right, fellahs? Zing!


October 21, 2008

Choose Your Own Adventure

The U.S. presidential election is now just two weeks away, but polls are still showing many voters undecided. If you're dithering over who should get your vote, here's a quiz that might reveal where your true allegiances lie:

1. If you were at a party with Obama where the senator ended up having far too much to drink, would you hold his tie back for him while he vomited?
A. Yes (+1 point)
B. No (-1 point)

2. McCain needs help moving — where do you draw the line?
A. Grand piano (-2 points)
B. Wardrobe (-1 point)
C. Box of linens (+1 point)
D. Cindy (+69 points)

3. Both candidates come to your house for Christmas dinner. Who gets the last drumstick?
A. Obama (+1 point)
B. McCain (-1 point)
C. It's a trick question, Muslims don't celebrate Christmas (-2 points)

4. Marry, murder, sleep with:
A. Biden, McCain, Obama (+1 point)
B. Obama, Palin, McCain (-1 point)
C. McCain, Obama, Palin (-2 points)
D. Biden, Biden, Biden (gross).

5. You're stranded on a desert island with both candidates. Who do you eat first?
A. Obama (-1 point)
B. McCain (+1 point)
C. Whoever makes the first Lord of the Flies reference (+2 points)

6. McCain:maverick::Obama:______?
A. Hope (+2 points)
B. Change (+1 point)
C. Fist bump (-1 point)

7. If McCain were going out of town, would you water his plants for him?
A. Yes (-1 point)
B. No (+1 point)

8. Futurama marathon on Comedy Central or Obama fundraiser?
A. Futurama (-1 point)
B. Fundraiser (+1 point)
C. Tivo (+2 points)

9. Which word best describes John McCain?
A. Old (+1 point)
B. Experienced (-1 point)
C. Triangular (-2 points)
D. Jesus (-3 points)

10. The candidates corner you outside the voting booth and each promise to break your kneecaps if you don't go their way. Who are you more afraid of?
A. McCain (+1 point)
B. Obama (-1 point)
C. Nader (-9,933,122 points)

If your score is positive, you're probably an Obama supporter; if it's negative, you prefer McCain. If your score, somehow, is zero, you should probably move to Florida.

October 19, 2008

Penny Führer Thoughts

From AOL Sports: Holtz Apologizes for Hitler Remark
ESPN analyst Lou Holtz apologized on air Saturday for mentioning Adolf Hitler during a college football studio show the previous night.
I'm sorry, he's in trouble for mentioning Hitler? What is this, the Ahmadinejad school of broadcasting? I think it's okay to acknowledge that the most notorious dictator in history actually existed. Sure, maybe a college sports broadcast is not the most tasteful or cogent place to do so, but let's be honest: where else are the people watching going to learn about world history?

What Holtz actually said was
You know, Hitler was a great leader, too
which, okay, does sound bad, I'll admit. But if you look at it in context, it's actually a valid point that's been made in many respectable intellectual arenas before.

Holtz isn't saying that Hitler was a good leader in that he accomplished good things while he was in power (in the same way that we might say, for instance, that George W. Bush is a bad leader) — he's saying that Hitler was a good leader qua leader; he was good at getting people to follow him. And that's true and worth remembering, if only so that we know not to do everything that the first charismatic guy with a moustache who comes along tells us to do (I'm looking at you, Geraldo).

So give Holtz a break. Inappropriate timing is not a crime — it's just inappropriate. And if we punished it every time it happened, well, this blog would be out of business, for a start. And nobody wants that, do they? (At least, not until I've reported on manscaping.)

October 17, 2008

October 16, 2008

How to Shave Friends and Depilate People

Okay, so even though I know I'm pretty important and influential, that's not an opinion I'm used to other people expressing. You can imagine my delight, then, when the following email appeared in my inbox yesterday:
Hi, I'm writing from a PR firm to tell you about something that may be of interest to you or your readers at Plethoric Pundigrions.
Finally! The blog train has arrived! All these years of poring over obscure news articles, obsessively Photoshopping pictures of world leaders, and making Marxist in-jokes that barely anyone finds funny! It's all paid off!
It's called Shave Everywhere, a site that supports Philips' Bodygroom line of personal grooming or "manscaping" products.
Well, that's fantastic. The net worth of my entire creative oeuvre over the last five years is the opportunity to be a corporate shill for ball-trimmers. Please, tell me more.
Currently, the site has two areas, one featuring "the bathrobe guy," which launched last year to great acclaim . . .
"The Bathrobe Guy"? I think I heard about him on a documentary about sexual predators the other day...
The other is something new that just launched: the Manalogues, a series of performances to get men talking about "real life accounts from the frontlines of male bodygrooming."
Hmm... I don't even know where to begin with this one. Do they even have time to groom their back hair in Iraq?
If you're interested I'd be happy to get you a Bodygroom to try out for yourself.
Whoa. Free STUFF?! What say you, readers? Would you find the blog more enjoyable knowing that I were well "manscaped"? Or should I do what my parents always told me and not give my address out to strange women who write me unsolicited emails?

How sad would it be if this ended up being the peak of my writing career?

October 10, 2008

Easy, Son

From Popeater: Gang Rape Rap for Austin Powers Actor
Joe Son, who played the shoe-throwing character Random Task (prompting the Mike Myers line "Who throws a shoe?"), was hit with a slew of charges on Oct. 1, including . . . two felony counts of forcible sodomy, two felony counts of sodomy in concert by force, seven felony counts of forcible oral copulations and one felony count of sexual penetration by foreign object by force.

...drumroll please...

...deep breath...



Thank you very much.

Also, doesn't "sodomy in concert" sound like something that would happen at a Peaches show?

Conversations With Greatness CC

October 05, 2008

Mohandas, Mo' Problems

This is all I have been able to come up with after an hour of scouring the web for blog fodder.

I think the problem I'm having is the @£#@*!!!! election. Do you realise that I have been making election jokes for almost twenty months, now? (See? See!) I'm burnt out. I've said all I wanted to say, made all the jokes I want to make. I don't even care that Vice President Barbie has thrown her hat in. I'm not interested in Obama's "attack" ads ("erratic"?). McCain could eat the face off a Swift Boat veteran tomorrow, and I wouldn't even crack a smile. I just want November to come, explode in our faces, and go, so that we can move on to the next news cycle.

But in the meantime, the only thing generating headlines is the campaign, the bailout, and the football. And I find none of the above particularly interesting, so am not particularly moved to blog.

However, I would like to point out this article on Salon.com, about the history of sex in videogames:
The first mainstream pornographic game would be "Custer's Revenge," which came out in 1982. . . .

In the game you move a naked General Custer across the screen, avoiding Native American arrows, toward a voluptuous Native American woman, who has her hands and legs tied to a cactus. Your job is to get to her, have sex, and once you have enough orgasms or she has enough orgasms it starts over and you're back on the other side of the screen. You get to do it again, only there are more arrows coming. That was the whole game and it sold 80,000 copies.
Now, I'm not one to make spurious associations, but the very same year that Custer's Revenge came out, the recession officially ended. So maybe somebody can release a video game based on the life of a concupiscient Martin Van Buren, and this whole economic collapse thing can be put to rest.

October 03, 2008

Conversations With Greatness CXCIX

BAM! Two political references in one comic strip!