August 02, 2008

They Should Practise Safe Sex

I was on my bike coming home from work last night, around 3:30am. Biking when the clubs get out on a Friday night in Edinburgh is not a particularly pleasant experience, as, evidently, the perceived hilarity in pretending to lunge dangerously towards cyclists increases exponentially with every rise in blood-alcohol level.

Shouting, "Look at that cunt on a bike," also seems pretty directly correlated.

But I was willing to forgive all of that because of what happened when I cruised into my neighbourhood's main street. A man and a woman were staggering home ahead of me, and as I neared them the woman turned around at the sound of my approach. At first she got out of my way, but then, as I slowed down to move past her, she thought better of it and shouted:

"Hey, you! Stop a minute!"

I slowed down even more and she put a hand on my shoulder.

"You don't have a condom, do you?" she asked, looking conspiratorially at the man walking along with her.

"Sorry," I said. "I really don't."

"For God's sake!" she said, falling back towards him. "Why don't guys carry them around anymore?!"

"Easy now," said her soon-not-to-be lover.

Already speeding up again and riding off, I looked back over my shoulder. "Good luck," I said, in their general direction. And I really meant it, too.


Anonymous said...

I can't wait to get to Edinburgh. :-)

Heinz Healey said...

That's why I always wear a condom--always. Slap one on in the morning and you're prepared for a whole day of promiscuity. And if you gotta pee, you just go. Seriously, I don't know why more people don't just do that.

Patrick said...

And here we have Heinz's hygiene lesson of the day.

M spaceholder said...

Practise? You are so English.

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