January 01, 2008

Reverse Stalking

Yes, it's that time of year again — that magical statistical moment — when I review the startling information that has been gathered, over the last twelve months, by the treacherous Google imps at the wheel of my web-tracking wagon. What personal secrets do I have to reveal about my visitors, this time round?

It's been a bumper year for readership, with a frankly overwhelming 13,751 pageviews, during 9,537 visits, from an estimated 4,261 unique visitors. Because I only tracked the last seven months of 2006 I can't do a direct comparison for the whole year, but comparing the same period like-for-like the number of visits to the blog increased by about 50%, with a whopping 209% increase in unique visitors.

The surge in readers is down to a number of factors. Most obviously, I moved, and as I met new people in Boston they began to check out my blog — October had 25% more visits than September (many of these from Facebook), and September had 10% more than August. Visits from the US also overtook visits from Canada for the first time since I started keeping track.

I also got two new big sources of referrals this year (one of which I've already mentioned): Facebook (alas!) and Said The Gramophone (boffo!). Combined, these two alone accounted for almost a tenth of all visits, which is doubly impressive considering links to my blog only started appearing on these sites around June. Getting linked on these sites also gave a big burst of Google Juice to my own, with my search referrals in general up almost 300% from last year, and my Google referrals up 500%. In total, Google provided 1,764 hits this year.

Which brings us to the most interesting part: what Google search terms brought people to my blog? Generally, gross ones. Sadly, this is the danger of increased Google visibility (well, that, coupled with the preponderance of perverts using the internet). A smattering of the worst offenders (in every sense of the word):

•Ask Jeeves is it possible to sex a goldfish
•Hamlet and necrophilia
•Ogling a nun
•Psychology of gangbangs
•Plug socket death man penis

Also, the curiously gloating:

•I hadsex with a fat man

And the morbidly fascinating:

•Social pooing

Perhaps the most unsettling proof of the internet's perviness is this: after I blogged about FHM accidentally publishing photographs of a 14-year-old girl topless in September, I received a flurry of hits from people searching for various combinations of the words "topless" "fourteen" "nude", "FHM", etc. ("FHM" was actually fairly optional in these searches — the key point was clearly the naked minors.)

Some of the old favourites are also still around:

•Cock in pussy (7 hits)
•Hasidic porn (32 hits)
•Johnny Knoxville naked (4 hits)

And, of course:

•Colin Farrell's cock (1 hit)

I also got a bunch of hits for "Demetri Martin shirtless", which I suppose must tell us something about the sorts of women who search for porn on the internet.

(By the way, if you were wondering, I've tagged this entry so that it won't be indexed by Google and thus won't bring in even more prurient searchers.)

Back in August I mentioned that I had started getting referrals from the phrase "I don't want to search for anything". This has now ballooned, for some reason, to my third most common search referral, bringing in over 150 visits.

Finally, a couple of other good ones:

•Ministry of douchebaggery (aren't they all?)
•What happened to Yanni? (four different people wanted to know!)
•Crazy man shits in woods (shouldn't that be "the Pope"?)
•Royal blood line has dandruff (I think that's the least of their problems...)
•Ethnic background of Kelly Ripa (um... white?)

And, on a related (if confused) note:

•Gender differences between Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa

But, absolutely and by far my most favourite search of the entire year:

•Andrew Ladd girlfriend

Hey, ladies.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

How could you miss the title "Look Who's Stalking"? You have no idea how sad this makes me.

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