November 01, 2007

Two Plus Two Equals Five

Watch on MSNBC: Tasered Student Says He's Sorry
Tasered student says he’s sorry

With his Taser-aided YouTube infamy little more than an electric-shock-destroyed memory, University of Florida student Andrew Meyer appeared on the Today show Thursday with his mother, father, attorney and, of course, the hard-hitting yet boyish guile of Matt Lauer.

And what did the "WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!!", "DON'T TASER ME, BRO!" firebrand have to say for himself?
"I violated the rules of the forum and was disruptive. I now realize that in order to be heard, one must act within the appropriate time, place and manner."
As his attorney looked on approvingly, Meyer explained that he was sorry for his actions, particularly for any ill-repute he may have cast on the University of Florida. The incisive yet handsome Matt Lauer listened with a incredulous disgust he could barely contain behind his well-groomed eyebrows. After establishing that Meyer had written three formal letters of apology (to the University, its President and, in a particularly obsequious move, the Chief of the Campus Police Department that left burn marks on his flesh with their controversial crowd control device), Lauer asked the million dollar question:
"So wait, wait, wait – let me make sure. Were you wrong, or were the police who Tasered you wrong? What's your opinion on that?"
If you listen very closely at this point in the clip, you can hear Meyer's attorney's blood pressure rise. But he needn't have worried. With a grimace and a stutter that only hint at the weeks of psychological conditioning, witness coaching and media training he's doubtless received (oh, and did I mention the Tasering?), Meyer responded from the depths of his freshly de-spined being:
"You know… I think— I think that the police… The police were… acting— They were doing their job, is what they were trying to do. I think that… I'm here to talk about the important issues, not the sensationalist issues, not the tabloid journalism that the media wants to cover about the Taser, about me personally."
Ho, snap, Matt Lauer. I think he just compared you to the sensationalist tabloid journalists.

But wait! I didn't finish that quote! Meyer actually does go on to talk about the wider context and important issues that his Tasering highlights:
"I think it's important that Americans realise that we have an election coming up, and your vote might not count!"
I know, right?! Isn't it awful?!! It's like, people are trying to suppress your voice in a democratic forum! Just not literally. Obviously.

Meyer finishes up:
"You need to realise that there are important issues in this country that aren't being discussed."
Oh, don't worry, Andy. We're quite aware. We watch The Daily Show.

The trenchant yet hunky Lauer attempted to continue his line of questioning, suggesting that perhaps Meyer was merely acting contrite in order to avoid prosecution. This is, of course, a preposterous suggestion, and Matt Lauer should be both ashamed of himself and a dreamboat for implying that the penalties for attempting to participate in a political forum are so intimidating as to quash open and honest debate amongst citizens.

Naturally, Meyer's attorney then Tasered Lauer and the interview ended.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Matt Lauer...swoon?

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