March 15, 2007

Big Fat Man Is Big Fat Megalomaniac

From BBC NEWS | Americas: Key 9/11 suspect 'admits guilt'
"I was responsible for the 9/11 operation, from A to Z," said Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in a partial transcript from a closed-door hearing…

According to the partial transcripts, he also admitted responsibility for a series of attacks, including the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center in New York, the bombing of nightclubs in Bali in 2002 and a Kenyan hotel in the same year.

He claimed responsibility for the failed attempt by the so-called shoe bomber, Richard Reid, to bring down an American plane.

He also listed a string of plots that never came to fruition, including plans to attack Heathrow Airport, Canary Wharf and Big Ben in London, to hit targets in Israel, and to blow up the Panama Canal.

There was a follow-up project to the 11 September attacks, which involved hitting towers in the US cities of Los Angeles, Seattle, Chicago and the Empire State Building in New York, and to attack US nuclear power stations.

He also claimed to be behind plots to assassinate the late Pope John Paul II and former US President Bill Clinton, the transcript said.
He went on to claim responsibility for leprosy, the Mexican Tequila Crisis of 1994, the death of Christ, airplane food, light bulbs, apartheid, my bus being late this morning and (of course) the JFK assassination, although he later retracted his admission to creating light bulbs.

When asked if any of his admissions were being made under duress, he firmly answered that he had discovered America, defeated Napoleon at Waterloo, won the women's title at Wimbledon for the years 1974 through 1992, eaten an entire cow in a single meal, and had sex with over one woman.

It was later revealed that the Arabic translator had misheard the word duress and asked Mohammed if he was wearing a condom. When the correct question was later repeated, Mohammed fervently insisted that he was the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Steve Jobs, a hovercraft, and gassy. He then re-confessed to inventing light bulbs.

Mr Mohammed will now face a military tribunal, and later this year will defend his claim to the Wimbledon title in a sudden death Foxy Boxing match with Martina Navratilova.

[Edit: Re-organised paragraphs two and four. Chuckled at own wit.]


Anonymous said...

oh laddy, you just crack me up!


Unknown said...

Heh. This was a goody.

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