January 21, 2007

Waiting With Dan

Dan Beirne comes over every Sunday to the flat to watch TV, or just chat with Andrew. Andrew found these little chats so interesting, he decided to tape-record them and tell the world all the neat things Dan had to say about TV and stuff.

Sunday, January 21st, a clear winter’s day.

Me: Hey, look, a documentary about the Montreal ice storm.

Dan: Yawneroo.

Me: No, come on, let’s watch it. I don’t really know anything about the ice storm.

Dan: What’s to know? Ice. Power cuts. It all got worked out in the end.

(Dan brushes his hair into his face)

Me: You’re unusually morose today.

Dan: No I’m not.

Me: Wow. Five days. And there was only one power line for the whole city? Yikes.

Dan: ‘And there was only one power line for mlah mlah mlah, I’m Andrew.’

(Dan is wearing a black t-shirt with the outline of a white t-shirt printed on the front)

Me: I’m ignoring you.

Dan: You’re not doing a very good job.

Me: I didn’t realise they were going to evacuate the whole island.

(Dan arches his eyebrows, as if he’s having his picture taken).

Me: Come on, you must have some kind of opinion about this.

Dan: I think it’s lame that the best stock footage they could find was some old lady hobbling around an emergency shelter.

Me: Why do you say that?

Dan: Well, like, you know... It’s lame.

(The back of Dan’s t-shirt has the words ‘First Lady’ printed on it)

Dan: Why not show something actually covered in ice somewhere in the city?

Me: Like cars, or buildings or something?

Dan: Yeah, or like, a discarded umbrella.

Me: I think it’s interesting that when they’re doing voice-overs for the Quebecois speakers, they give them Brummie accents.

Dan: What’s a Brummie accent?

Me: Like, a working class English accent.

(Dan is reading from a dictionary)

Dan: ‘Brummie. A native or inhabitant of Birmingham.’

Me: Oh. Well I think it’s interesting they give them working class accents, anyway.

Dan: Why is that interesting?

Me: Well, it’s like, sociolinguistics, right? Quebecois Hydro workers are pretty working class, right? So when they dub them into English they hold that constant.

Dan: Now that is some stock footage.

Me: What?

Dan: You missed it.

Me: What was it?

Dan: It’s hard to explain.

Me: Hey, are you leaving?

Dan: Yeah.

Me: What? Why? The show’s still not over.

Dan: I just remembered I have to do something.

Me: What?

Dan: Just... stuff.

Me: Can I come?

Dan: Sorry. Brent and I are going roller-skating. It’s a, you know... cool people thing.

Me: I’m cool.

Dan: Right. But like, not Brent cool.

Me: Oh.

Dan: I’ll see you next week, though. We’ll have pasta salad.

Me: Don’t forget your gloves.

(Dan closes the door behind him)

[end transcription]


Brent broke his glasses while rollerskating.

Dan Beirne is a celebrated film director and comedian. He is friends with Nathan Lane, and to a lesser extent, Andrew.


Anonymous said...

I don't know what prompted this, Andrew, but this was gold star, prize-winning, parodic perfection.

I don't know how to say this without sounding like a back-handed compliment, but I started reading "The Reluctant Metrosexual" and it stank and I definitely couldn't keep reading it. Then I thought "why does this guy get to publish essays about his life in book-therefore-respectable format? Andrew should publish essays about his life in a book! Because he's actually talented and funny, not to mention better than this guy."

Just sayin'.

Gil said...

Me: You're a genius.

Andrew: Thanks, friend.

Dan: Hey, what about me?

Me: You're on my foot.

[everyone laughs, space ship takes off]

Anonymous said...

Upon second reading, I have a slight change I would suggest.

Instead of Dan brushes his hair out of his face shouldn't it be Dan brushes his hair into his face

Unknown said...

mariana is right.
And gil is right to use this format to actively make fun of dan.

Anonymous said...

Work mentioned

The Reluctant Metrosexual by
Peter Hyman.

Marc, your Blogger profile is not visible to outsiders. WTF, man?

Unknown said...

Andrew, I love it.

however, this will only merit a sentence, nay a phrase, in my 250-page biography:

"...and then Andrew wrote a funny little piece in 2007 about some of Dan's work from 2003 (see 4 chapters ago)."


ps. best part: "first lady". i really grinned at that.

Andrew said...

Humble thanks for all your praise. It made my day.

To reflect popular opinion, I have changed the bit about Dan's hair. I agree that this sounds much better.

Dan, I'm glad you liked the 'First Lady' part, because I spent longer agonising over what you might have printed on your t-shirt than I did anything else.

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