December 09, 2006

Annals of the Semantically Impossible

From Newsvine: Serious Use For Silly String
STRATFORD, N.J. — In an age of multimillion-dollar high-tech weapons systems, sometimes it's the simplest ideas that can save lives. Which is why a New Jersey mother is organizing a drive to send cans of Silly String to Iraq.
They're going to fun those insurgents into submission!
American troops use the stuff to detect trip wires around bombs, as Marcelle Shriver learned from her son, a soldier in Iraq.

Before entering a building, troops squirt the plastic goo, which can shoot strands about 10 to 12 feet, across the room. If it falls to the ground, no trip wires. If it hangs in the air, they know they have a problem. The wires are otherwise nearly invisible . . .

"If I turn on the TV and see a soldier with a can of this on his vest, that would make this all worth it," said Shriver, 57, an office manager.
Oh, come on, lady, don't you think the US military operation in Iraq is enough of a laughing stock already? Now you want our boys to start strapping clown supplies to their fatigues? Why do you hate freedom?
In other cases of battlefield improvisation in Iraq, U.S. soldiers have bolted scrap metal to Humvees in what has come to be known as "Hillybilly Armor." Medics use tampons to plug bullet holes in the wounded until they can be patched up.

Also, soldiers put condoms and rubber bands around their rifle muzzles to keep out sand.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are our soldiers doing with condoms? I pay my taxes to help fight the war on terror, thank you very much, not to support this pro-choice bullhonky. Why is the government handing out birth control all of a sudden? They should be telling the soldiers what they tell everyone else: if you're not willing to marry your gun, then you don't get to have sex with it.

I can be such a douchebag somtimes. Such a trenchantly satirical douchebag.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh Andrew. Don't ever change. ever!


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