December 04, 2012

1,000TH POST EXTRAVAGANZA

That's right, folks: my 1,000th blog post.

Actually, if you count the posts over at ex-Bostonian, it's my 1,608th blog post. And if you count the angry rants about specific people  that I wrote to let off steam and then saved as drafts instead of publishing, it's like my 1,614th blog post. But still! Arbitrary milestones!

Now you're wondering if you were one of the 6 people I was annoyed enough at to write a rant so vitriolic I wouldn't even publish it on my angry blog, aren't you?

ANYWAY, to celebrate, here are my favourite jokes from the last seven years, one from each month plethoric pundigrions has been a thing. Get comfy, after the jump.

August 2006:

One of the shows at the Underbelly has been distributing, as advertising, little badges that read 'I [heart] Bloggers'. I was wearing one out last night, and had the following conversation with someone who had just been introduced to me:

Him: Ha-ha, 'I heart bloggers'... Are you actually a blogger or are you just being sarcastic?
Me: I'm a blogger.
Him: Oh.

September 2006:

From Newsvine: Coup Interrupts Filming of Cage Movie
HONG KONG — Thailand's military coup this week interrupted filming of Nicolas Cage's new movie, a gangster thriller being shot in Bangkok, a news report said Thursday.
I believe it also had some implications for Thailand.

October 2006:
Mr Cheney was responding to a conservative radio interviewer who asked whether water boarding, which involves simulated drowning, was a "no-brainer" if the information it yielded would save American lives. "It’s a no-brainer for me," Mr Cheney replied.
He continued, "No-brainer as in, instead of a brain I have an evil super-computer like the one from Superman III."

November 2006:

After a moment of thoughtful silence, Ms Lavaillante added, “LOOK AT MY TITS, JEWBOY!”

December 2006:

If they really want to reduce drive-bys in the hood, why don't they just put in speed bumps?

January 2007:

Sunday night I settled in for a very British evening of fish and chips and Fawlty Towers with my friend Helen. She, incidentally, told me that my 'Waiting With Dan' post was one of the funniest things I'd written in a long time, which surprised me (because I didn't think anyone who didn't know Dan would get it), and also leads me to believe that I should try and be like Dan Beirne all the time. I'm going to go straight out after work and pick up a nineteen-year-old.

[N.B. See also the 'Waiting With Dan' post.]

February 2007:

[The entire comment thread in response to this remark:

"Dustin is coming to Vaganza which, including me, brings the number of creepy McGill Improv alumni trying to recapture the glory of their youth this year up to three! (Not counting the usual crowd of Bryan, Chris Dye, Vinny, etc.)"]

March 2007:

As if forever cursed, had the following conversation with my brother:
Marco: Who are you supposed to be?

Me: Um, The Fonz?

Marco: Who?

Me: You know, the Fonz, Fonzie, Happy Days – all that?

Marco: Sorry.

Me: Not as sorry as I am.

April 2007

For those of you who haven't been following Iran Hostage Crisis: The Empire Strikes Back, the Beeb provides a good rundown of the two opposing viewpoints:

IRANIAN VERSION OF EVENTS
1. Royal Navy crew stray 0.5km inside Iranian waters
2. Iran gives set of co-ordinates to back up their claims
3. According to seized GPS equipment, the Royal Navy crew had previously entered Iranian waters at several other points
4. Iran informs Britain of the position where the crew were seized, inside Iranian waters

UK VERSION OF EVENTS
1. Crew boards merchant ship 1.7NM inside Iraqi waters
2. HMS Cornwall was south-east of this, and inside Iraqi waters
3. Iran tells UK that merchant ship was at a different point, still within Iraqi waters
4. After UK points this out, Iran provides alternative position, now within Iranian waters
Are the UK and Iran dating?

May 2007:

ME: So, could you boil down your research into a punchy tagline for my instant-gratification-accustomed blog readers?

DAD: Um … Well, I guess our main conclusion is that certain alleles on two genes involved in brain development might actually have a causal effect on—

ME: Punchier.

DAD: Okay. It looks like some genes might predispose certain populations to develop tonal languages over non-tonal languages. Could you pass the salt, please?

ME: [Passes salt] Look, I know you're a traditional media kind of guy, but the thing is, taglines really need to be five words or less.

DAD: I can't compress a complex piece of genetic research into five words.

ME: I bet Steven Pinker could.

DAD: Go to your room.
June 2007:
Inside the car on Monday night, Jeffs seemed evasive and started to eat a salad.
Boy! That has 'guilty' written all over it! I hear OJ had a massive cheese board on the passenger seat when they pulled over the Bronco.

July 2007:

Actually, because he's trying to get the Hispanic vote, Romney says he'd visit Columbia and Mexico before deigning to meet with "those people" in the Middle East. Because nothing says "I'm serious about the Muslim world" like a burrito.

September 2007:

The blog is the brainchild of State Department employee Sean McCormack, "who came up with the idea for a blog during a recent trip to California's Silicon Valley with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice." I'm glad they weren't visiting New Jersey.
MCCORMACK: Condie?

RICE: Yes, Sean?

MCCORMACK: Being here, with you, in Hoboken... It makes me think...

RICE: Yes, Sean?

MCCORMACK: We should punch everyone in the world in the face.
October 2007:

I hear the drive-by croquet matches are getting pretty nasty in Windy Bottomsford these days.

November 2007:
Evolutionary psychology is the application of evolutionary biology to human cognition and behavior… It is premised on two grand generalizations.
Ah, yes, grand generalisation, the basic premise of every rigorous scientific theory. 

December 2007:

With apologies to E.J. Thribb (17 1/2)

So, Farewell then,
Netscape
Navigator,
Trailblazing browser
Of the web.

"Netscape encountered
A fatal
Error
And had to close (-307)."

That was
Your catchphrase.

Alas!, there is no
Error
In the story of
Your demise.

January 2008:

Jesus, has anyone else been following this? Naples is officially overflowing with garbage (and for Naples, believe me, that is saying something). 

February 2008:

So, in summary, it sucks being a small-time author, and Jerry Seinfeld is a dick.

March 2008:

From NewsvineNY Gov. Paterson Says He Used Cocaine
New York's new governor … said Monday that he used cocaine in his 20s and smoked marijuana when he was younger.…

"Marijuana [I tried] probably when I was about 20," he said on the NY1 cable news station. "I don't think I touched marijuana since the '70s."
He continued: "But it's hard to be sure, because, you know, I CAN'T FUCKING SEE!"

April 2008:

I'm all for a good symbolic tradition, don't get me wrong. That whole Easter egg thing is right up my alley.

May 2008:

And because Mallory (or “her mom”, to whom all of her fussing is ultimately attributed) had spent weeks telling me scare stories about the dangers of walking about Vegas on one’s own, I shelled out for a cab.

June 2008:

Q. How do you get five hundred Canadians out of a swimming pool?
A. Say, "Please get out of the swimming pool."

July 2008:

From NewsvineCheney to have routine checkup on Saturday

As is customary in such situations, Bush will temporarily assume control of the country while Cheney receives his medical attention.


August 2008:

Biking when the clubs get out on a Friday night in Edinburgh is not a particularly pleasant experience, as, evidently, the perceived hilarity in pretending to lunge dangerously towards cyclists increases exponentially with every rise in blood-alcohol level.

Shouting, "Look at that cunt on a bike," also seems pretty directly correlated.


September 2008:

Let’s forget about our lofty ideals, for a moment, and remember that even the pro-life homophobe is a person (and so, of course, is the gay abortionist). They pay their taxes and drive their kids to school and wonder if their savings will still exist next month. In the end, in fact, they’re just like us — and if you deny that, you’re no less warped or fanatic than you imagine them to be.

So why can’t we just cut all this crap for a while, and try to get along? No one is out to get you. No one wants to make you suffer. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a pro-life movement, or, for that matter, a pro-choice one (or pro-war, or anti-war, or whatever). But a person’s not a demographic, a person’s not an abstract belief, and a single person is certainly not the war in Iraq. People are people, and, regardless of anything else, they deserve, at a minimum, to be treated that way.


October 2008:

3. Both candidates come to your house for Christmas dinner. Who gets the last drumstick?
A. Obama (+1 point)
B. McCain (-1 point)
C. It's a trick question, Muslims don't celebrate Christmas (-2 points)


November 2008:

An Armenian clergyman blamed the conflagration on the Greeks:

"The Greeks have tried so many times to put their monk inside the tomb but they don't have the right to when the Armenians are celebrating the feast," he said.
The reporter replied, "Yes, the crow casts a shadow on the Sepulcher at dawn," and was then handed a locked briefcase by the Armenian.

December 2008:

So, listen up, would-be Friends Of The Worker: I know you live in Beacon Hill, which means you probably voted Democrat and think that this makes you a socialist (and also, this year, that you are entirely un-racist). But whatever the hell it is you think you're doing by speaking your mangled, inaccurate Spanish to the guy cooking your omelette for minimum wage, it's not impressing anyone. In fact, it's about the most irritating fucking thing that anyone can do during a social interaction as seemingly innocuous as ordering breakfast. So do us all a favour and save it for your maid.

January 2009:

Here are some of the other excuses considered by the palace spin doctors:
"Prince Harry used the term 'raghead' to refer to someone who is extremely enthusiastic about rags."
February 2009:

"NeoGramscian-Butlerian framework"? Just who the fuck do you think you are, anyway? Look, I've read Judith Butler, and I've read Antonio Gramsci, and neither of them say anything even close to comprehensible by ordinary human beings. So why on earth would you combine them to create a framework for thinking about anything? Why not combine Esperanto and Klingon to create a framework for thinking about omelettes?

March 2009:

Perez Hilton famously took advantage of inflight internet in November last year to post a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker over which he had scrawled "OMG!!" in white capital letters. He received a Peabody award.

April 2009:

Andrew took the "What event from the year 1403 are you?" quiz, and the result was: "Ming Emperor Yongle moves the capital of China from Nanjing to Beijing".

May 2009:

2004 "Space Nuts" [in which Daniels starred] won the AVN Award for Best Extras. These included a video commentary in which Ms. Daniels masturbates while watching the DVD.
Which, coincidentally, is also what Tarantino does on the Pulp Fictioncommentary track.

June 2009:

To put this in some kind of perspective, the BNP winning seats in the European parliament is a bit like the Nazi Party winning a Grammy; nobody quite knows how it happened, no reasonable person thinks it's warranted, and everybody is filled with a sort of horrified curiosity to see what they're going to do with it. 

July 2009:

This will probably sound kind of sexist, but I'm just going to come right out and say it anyway:

German men have no business playing beach volleyball.


August 2009:

Spam wishes to be very clear!
You'll function well: as a man!
 September 2009:

To put it bluntly, by the time Brown's readers finish a Langdon book, they feel smart.
That's odd, because when I finish a Langdon book I feel like FORREST FUCKING GUMP.


October 2009:

Anyway, The Facial Profiler begins with a simple premise ("simple" not as in "easily understood", but as in "of abnormally low intelligence"): "If Coke Zero has Coke's taste… Is it possible that someone out there has your face?" Oh my God, this Shockwave file is right! Logically unconnected statements DO go together! (Backup slogan: "If Coke Zero has Coke's taste… Is it possible that someone out there is named Simon?")

November 2009:

Item: In 2003 [the Swiss] voted against making public buildings fully accessible; that same referendum, rejected by 63% of voters, also included a provision to give the disabled equal rights under the constitution.

Great chocolate, though.


December 2009:

Well, Jesus, I guess if there's one audience who can sit through a Natasha Bedingfield concert without murdering someone, it's a group of Nobel Peace Prize laureates…

January 2010:

If there's one thing that will sway pretty much any Massachusetts voter it's a legendary Red Sox player. (Massachusetts political trumps go like this: Ace = a Red Sox player, King = a Kennedy, Queen = a Kennedy wife, and so on all the way down to Two, which I believe = John Kerry).

February 2010:

Hey baby, I hope you brought paper clips with you, because we're going to have some trouble keeping our sheets together tonight.

March 2010:

"Capoeira" is a Portuguese word meaning "this is going to fucking hurt in the morning".

April 2010:

Oh, now I get it. You liked some parts of the comedy sketch show because they were funny, and you didn't like other parts of the comedy sketch show because they weren't funny. Hold on while I call the Pulitzer committee.

May 2010:

From AOL HealthMen Who Use Viagra Risk Hearing Loss

In an unrelated story, Jay Leno's head exploded today. 


June 2010:

From AOL NewsFormer Vice President Dick Cheney Hospitalized
WASHINGTON (June 25) -- Former Vice President Dick Cheney was admitted to the hospital Friday after experiencing discomfort.
Cheney was dangling jerky above injured puppies, as he usually does on Fridays, when he felt a strange, uncomfortable twinge — feared to be a conscience — in his chest.

July 2010:

Hmmm... A building that relentlessly shits on you until you can't take it anymore and you're forced to go elsewhere. Where was it they were playing, again?
Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre.
August 2010:

[Underbelly bar, 12:40 a.m.]

Angry customer: I'm friends with the editor of the Scotsman, and if you don't give me a refund this will be all over tomorrow's paper.

[Scotsman paperboy strolls up]

Paperboy: Can I interest anyone in a copy of tomorrow's Scotsman?

Me: [suppressed giggle]

September 2010:

From AOL News: Double Hand Transplant Patient Speaks
(Sept. 2) -- The recipient of cutting-edge double hand transplant surgery is speaking to the media today and reporting that he can already wiggle his fingers and is able to form half a fist. . . .

"I feel fantastic," he told reporters. "I'm feeling very blessed and thankful for having a new pair of hands."
Very Blessed and Thankful are the two Vegas call girls the patient ordered immediately upon realising he could grab things again.

October 2010:

The sixteenth edition of the Chicago Manual of Style was released last month, and to mark some of the important changes introduced in this new edition, plethoric pundigrions is proud to present the following CMS-inspired poetry.

Capitalization Of "Web" And "Internet"
Chicago now prefers
 web, website, web page
And so forth —
With a lowercase
 w.
But capitalize World Wide WebAnd Internet.

November 2010:

John Kerry: Demonstrating Why He Lost The Election Since 2004.

December 2010:

I'm sorry, when their menstrual cycles are at their friskiest? What exactly does a frisky menstrual cycle look like? ("Oh, gee, honey, better get the leash! My menstrual cycle's trying to hump the mailbox again!")

January 2011:
last year McDonald’s used a gay-themed ad in France.
Plus, hello? Have you taken a look at Ronald fucking McDonald lately? When that guy says "Big Mac" all I can picture is a 45-year-old bear in a leather harness. 

February 2011:

10. "People Who Mumble Into Microphones: A Panel Discussion"

March 2011:

Indeed, the only animals left watching are the brown chicken and the brown cow, who, as equally oppressed "workers" in the capitalist system — at least inasmuch as they also have profit extracted from them — serve as yet another stand-in for the (now liberated) proletariat.

In summary: Obamacare.


April 2011:

The spellchecker on my version of Word doesn't recognize "dystopia". You're not fooling anyone, Gates.

May 2011:

So: calm, mature conversation = good. Strobe lights and rubber Osama masks = bad.

June 2011:

Kill two birds with one stone.

That expression has really taken on new meaning in this post–Angry Birds era.


July 2011:

The thing that I find most distasteful about the whole situation is that, as usual, rather than calling out any of this bullshit, the Democrats are sitting quietly and in fact suggesting that such a time-wasting, ridiculous piece of political manoeuvring is a "real option."

NO! NO IT IS NOT! BAD DEMOCRATS! BAD REPUBLICANS! YOU SLEEP OUTSIDE NOW!


August 2011:

Mr. Cameron, standing outside his office and residence at 10 Downing Street, said lawmakers would be called back from their summer recess for one day on Thursday to enable Parliament to assess the situation.
And I suspect most of that day will be spent trying to work out why all the rioters aren't also at their villas in Tuscany this month. 

September 2011:

Ahmed Al-Medina, a delegate from Chad, spearheaded the demonstration. "It is simply unacceptable the way American business concerns continue to dominate the way Chadians live their everyday lives," he said.

That sentiment was echoed by a chorus of other African, South American, and Asian countries. "Enough is enough," said Davtavi Mirgonova, of Tajikistan. "Facebook has to stop fucking with the newsfeed layout. I have no idea anymore how to find out what my bitchy friend Kelly saw on the subway this morning."


October 2011:

Hey, Earth911.com: bite me. Of COURSE people have better recycling jokes than that, because none of my jokes were even really recycling jokes! They were pretentious postmodern meta-crap riffing on the predictability of a certain genre of humour. (Sorry about that, by the way.)

November 2011:

Jack Bauer non ha mai preso la licenza per guidare un elicottero,ma lo guida perfettamente.L’elicotterro ha paura di quello che potrebbe succedere se non coopera. ("Jack Bauer never got his helicopter pilot's license, but he can fly one perfectly anyway. The helicopter's afraid of what will happen if it doesn't cooperate.")
December 2011:

From the New York TimesFlorida A&M University Student’s Death Turns Spotlight on Hazing

Man, is that spotlight mounted in a lighthouse, or what?


January 2012:

I also had a 70% drop in people searching for "obscure metaphor," which is a Blackburn Rovers New Year's Eve scoreline over Manchester United if ever I saw one.

February 2012:

Julianne Hough is used to going toe-to-toe with leading men on Dancing with the Stars, but in real life, her biggest challenge is coordinating with her extraordinarily busy boyfriend, Ryan Seacrest.

"It's a hard thing to do, especially when you're so caught up in your work and bettering yourself," Hough, 23, tells Parade.com.
And cultivating modesty. Don't forget that part.


March 2012:

Plethoric pundigrions: entertaining a small handful of linguists since 2006.

April 2012:

I am contractually bound to mention at this point that Publishers Weekly is an independent organization and the review was written based on a manuscript version of the book and not a published version. I am not contractually bound to mention that I have re-read the review about seventy times for the sheer pleasure of it — but I will anyway. OH MAN.

May 2012:

Dear Occupy,

I agree so completely and painfully with your central political premise that I take no pleasure saying this, but: your stupid angry drum circle is not going to change a goddamn thing. Go get a real job.

Sincerely,
A. Ladd


June 2012:

The characters are all from the Deep South. Two of them — at least one of them inbred and retarded — are given squirrel to eat (icky!) and start throwing it at each other instead (hilarious!). (N.B. This may actually have happened in Joe Dirt.)

July 2012:

Anyway, I figured that in my new role as soon-to-be-published author, it's about time I make another push for widespread adoption of my proprietary internet acronym: DAOAFDA?.

August 2012:

Speaking of oversimplification, yeah, I know, fast food companies don't kill people, guns poor dietary choices do, and it's not really fair to blame obesityrates on Papa John's or McDonald's or whoever, even if obese individualsclearly go to town on the pizza a little too often. But I figure, if you're going to prey on my weak willpower by sending those coupons to my house each week, the least you can do is pay for my blood pressure medication.  

September 2012:

So, to summarize what is apparently Mitt Romney's view of all this:
"[we condemn] the continuing efforts by misguided individuals to hurt the religious feelings of Muslims" = "we apologize for American values"
Ergo:
"We recognize intolerant asshattery when we see it, notwithstanding our more general respect for free speech" = un-American
Ergo:
"We are reasonable people" = un-American
QED. I guess this explains the Republican platform.

October 2012:

I don't really have a larger point I'm trying to make today, I just thought I'd loosely pull together a few pieces of vaguely interesting trivial shit. KIND OF LIKE YOUR INTESTINES.

November 2012:

My first ever piece of fiction, reproduced here in full:
Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived with her mother who was a widow. They were so poor that one day they found they had nothing left to eat.

The end.
Just to remind everyone, my first novel will be published in January 2014. It is heavily self-plagiarised.

December 2012:

You are here. Thanks for coming.

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