October 10, 2012

Subpar

I was going to write a pithy takedown today of this stupid ad that's been on the New York subways recently:


See, it's a Venn diagram! Never mind that it displays a fundamental misunderstanding of the entire fucking point of Venn diagrams, and that, "clever" idea aside, it consists of pretty flat and uninspiring copy. Venn diagrams! Cleverness! Wit!

But then I saw another ad on the subway that was even more vacuous and asinine and offensive, so much so that I couldn't even bring myself to take a picture of it — and I decided to write a pithy takedown of that, instead.

It was for Seamless.com, the already pretty vacuous and asinine and offensive food ordering website. Its general pitch to customers goes something like this: are you too lazy and/or stupid and/or self-important to look up an actual delivery place yourself? Well then, just come to our website and we'll do all that "hard" work for you! Better yet, we'll insidiously drive out smaller businesses by charging an exorbitant commission on orders for those who do join our network, and making effectively invisible to the biggest takeout orderers those who don't!

Not surprisingly, Seamless's biggest market is in New York, where approximately 95% of people are too lazy and/or stupid and/or self-important to look up delivery places for themselves — or, you know, to cook. Instead they get poorly paid restaurant and delivery workers to run around Midtown like hamsters on wheels, while they kick back and start three dozen websites about how much (or if) it's appropriate to tip said poorly paid workers, and send the Seamless guys laughing all the way to the bank. In the meantime, they generate such obscene amounts of plastic packaging and waste that half the time you can't even find a goddamned empty wastebasket anywhere in the city.

And then — THEN! — Seamless takes out ads on the subway that read (not a direct quote but neither a paraphrase): "Seamless: If your idea of doing dishes is recycling takeout containers."

OH! HA-HA! Aren't we adorable? Isn't our selfish disregard for the environment in favour of our own convenience endearing? Isn't it funny that this ecological sinkhole of a city has found yet another way to shit all over the planet? High fives, guys! NYC 4 EVA!

I will now attempt to climb over to the right side of my bed.

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