May 06, 2010

On The Edge Of Your Seats: Live Updates From Election Night In Britain

[05:51 BST: Andrew goes to bed, even further securing status as worst live blogger ever.]

05:23 BST: Edit: England has now swung 6.2% to the Tories. FFS. It's like a Smurf threw up down there.

04:57 BST: Sexism is alive and well in the British media:



"She looks extremely upset"??!?! WTF?! How is that even remotely relevant? Unless the headlines tomorrow read "Gordon Brown a bit teary at defeat" I call foul here.

04:47 BST: David Milliband (how many Davids are there in this damn election, anyway?) has provided a prime example of how much more gentlemanly British politics are than American politics:
If indeed no party has won an absolute majority then it seems to me perfectly reasonable and right that parties should talk to each other to see if they can find common ground to establish a strong and stable government. There's no harm in that.

It's a good thing to do when the voters have clearly not embraced any of us and given us the absolute majority that we are all seeking.
American translation: IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL IT'S FUCKING OVER, ASSHOLES!

04:41 BST: The Tories are now sitting on a gain of 50-ish seats. David Cameron claims the country wants "change". No word yet on "hope".

04:05 BST: In Scotland, the vote has swung 0.2% towards Labour; in England, the vote has swung 1.2% towards the Conservatives. Fucking England ruins everything.

03:59 BST: Gordon Brown has managed to hold onto Cowdenbeath. THANK GOD.

03:55 BST: The Tories have gained 32 seats so far, almost all of them from Labour. David Cameron says Labour has "lost its mandate to govern"; David Blunkett says Labour has "lost". Gordon Brown says Labour has "a sexy dog of a leader".

[00:00 BST – 03:45 BST: Andrew goes to leisurely dinner with friends, securing status as worst live blogger ever]

23:49 BST: The BBC is reporting that some polling stations "have locked voters in polling stations after the official close of voting to allow them to cast their ballots". Now THAT'S democracy! ("Nobody is going anywhere until you've all cast your goddamn votes!")

23:36 BST: A third Labour hold in Sunderland Central, though the swing in votes to the Tories suggests that as a whole the country may have gone f*cking crazy.

23:29 BST: A second seat has now been held by Labour: Washington & Sunderland West. (Further proof that Obama has brought socialism to Washington.)

23:20 BST: Best description of Peter Mandelson ever: "Labour's election supremo Lord Mandelson".

22:52 BST: The first seat to be called has been held by Labour. Gordon Brown was reportedly quick to call and congratulate the victor, Bridget Phillipson of Houghton & Sunderland South, though he mistakenly addressed her as Mr Brian Phillerman and then muttered under his breath that she sounded like a prole.

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