April 24, 2010

S.E.C.sy

So it turns out that the real culprit behind the recession is not so much evil bankers or Ponzi schemes or the dangerous risk-taking culture of Wall Street, but the fact that at least sixteen regulators at the Securities and Exchange Commission, many of them relatively high up, were less interested in blowing the whistle and more interested in polishing the whistle, if you catch my drift. According to the AP (quoted in the Times):
A senior attorney at the SEC’s Washington headquarters spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography. When he ran out of hard drive space, he burned the files to CDs or DVDs, which he kept in boxes around his office.…

An accountant was blocked more than 16,000 times in a month from visiting websites classified as “Sex” or “Pornography.”
Wah-wah. I guess the feds should stop worrying about people at Goldman Sachs and start worrying about people holdin' their sacks — it sounds like the problem isn't with J.P Morgan but with pee pee organs. (Not investment bankers, but...). SPLABANGO!

The best part about all this, in terms of inspiring yet more populist rage with the financial system and/or the government, is that some of these people were earning almost a quarter of a million dollars a year (!!!) to beat off to the latest from "Skankwire.com" all day when they should have been, I don't know, stopping Lehman Brothers from collapsing. Oh well. At least it's pun gold.

Other financial terms that sound like euphemisms for masturbation:

"Hedging Your Bets"
"Shorting Your Trades"
"Taking A Long Position"
"Pricing Your Derivatives"
"Diversifying Your Portfolio"

And, of course:

"Liquidating Your Assets"

Sigh.

1 comment:

U. I. said...

like.

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