January 13, 2010

Breaking News: Haiti Earthquake Caused By NBC

PORT-AU-PRINCE — In the wake of Tuesday's devastating earthquake in Haiti, an unlikely culprit has emerged to claim responsibility: the National Broadcasting Corporation.

"We weren't content with only sending shockwaves through our late night schedule," explained NBC Universal CEO Jeff Zucker. "This is our way of getting NBC back on the map. You know, that little map in the earthquake infographic in USA Today."

NBC brought about the horrific seismic disturbance in the Caribbean Sea by attempting to move Cuba half a klick to the east, displacing Haiti, though Haiti swiftly issued a statement saying that it would reject the proposal. "Haiti further into the Atlantic simply isn't Haiti," explained the document. "And we cannot participate in what we believe is its destruction."

Meanwhile, other islands in the Caribbean were quick to pounce on the morass; Turks and Caicos's reaction was particularly biting, with the popular resort destination spending all day Wednesday dressed as Cuba. Puerto Rico was less vitriolic, though it still devoted much of its morning to jokes about the rift.

All eyes, of course, continue to rest on NBC — right where they should be.

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