October 29, 2009

Seriously, Emerson?

So, under Emerson College's frankly RIDICULOUS new swine flu "prevention" policy, ANY person with any "influenza like illness (ILI)" — because saying "fever" or "cough" would be too simple for a COMMUNICATION SCHOOL — is requested by the Centre for Health and Wellness to self-quarantine for a minimum of four days.

That is, you don't have to HAVE swine flu. Indeed, as I understand it, they don't even bother testing for it, and instead assume that anybody with an "ILI" — that's a fever or a cough, remember — is infected, despite public health evidence that Boston is one of several U.S. cities that has a nationwide low of swine flu infections right now.

Anyway, having established that anyone with a fever or a cough is a deadly killing machine, Emerson requires such individuals, as I said, to self-quarantine for a minimum of four days. That means (I'm paraphrasing from the official Emerson H1N1 policy here):

1. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR ROOM. If you have to leave your room, in order to, say, eat, or go to the bathroom, WEAR A BANDANA OR FACE MASK TO PROTECT OTHERS, both from your germs and from the sight of your pimply adolescent skin.

2. If possible, LEAVE CAMPUS and recuperate at a friend or relative's house. Because although H1N1 is highly infectious to other Emerson students, there is nothing wrong with taking your germs onto public transit systems. (Anybody not actively involved in bringing innovation to communication and the arts is not worth saving, anyway.)

3. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ATTEMPT TO LEARN ANYTHING. You may not go to class, extra-curricular activities, the library, the Writing and Academic Resource Centre, or, indeed, anywhere that might involve taking advantage of the $20,000 tuition bill you paid for the year.

It's this last rule that particularly irks me, because I have a student with "ILI" who has been barred from attending my class for this entire week by the college health centre. That means missing three class meetings, which is enough, according to several other official Emerson policies, to lower a student's final grade. So I'm required to reduce this student's final grade per one official policy, because the health centre doesn't issue "sick notes" to excuse a student's absences (as per another official policy), even though they can simultaneously require that same student to miss enough classes to lower their grade per ANOTHER official policy! It is fucking ABSURD.

In conclusion, our dean of students is the boss from Dilbert. Apparently.

1 comment:

Patrick said...

Emerson has also managed make every room on campus feel like a bathroom with those stupid soap dispensers everywhere. "Wash hands before leaving!"

And don't get me started on the Emerson security update Emails. Please tell me you get those too.

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