October 14, 2009

The Following Is A Pained Advertisement

Today I saw an internet ad for Coke Zero — the product so-called, by the way, because of the amount of personality you'd have to possess to give a shit about the one-calorie difference with Diet Coke — and I was eventually redirected to a relatively new marketing campaign that describes itself as The Facial Profiler, a "social experiment" to connect people around the globe.

Now, before I get into the nitty-gritty, I'd like to make it clear, since most of the "bloggers" covering this so far seem to be thinly-disguised corporate shills, that this is one of the stupidest and most vacuous marketing campaigns on the planet right now, and if you fall for it you deserve to — well — drink a fucking Coke Zero, for a start.

Anyway, The Facial Profiler begins with a simple premise ("simple" not as in "easily understood", but as in "of abnormally low intelligence"): "If Coke Zero has Coke's taste… Is it possible that someone out there has your face?" Oh my God, this Shockwave file is right! Logically unconnected statements DO go together! (Backup slogan: "If Coke Zero has Coke's taste… Is it possible that someone out there is named Simon?")

Then, after stunning us with its Sherlock Holmes–like deductive reasoning, The Facial Profiler goes on to explain that, using the same state-of-the-art technology developed by "governments and international security agencies", it will — are you ready for this? — find someone else in the world WHO KIND OF LOOKS LIKE YOU.

You just blew my fucking mind, Facial Profiler.

But proprietary government technology inexplicably on loan to a soft drink manufacturer isn't the only weapon in The Facial Profiler's arsenal. Oh, no. It also uses Facebook; with Coke Zero's "one-of-a-kind app", Facial Profiler will connect you to whoever else looks like you on the social networking site, and then you can trade recipes, or Ritalin dealers, or something.

So, what do you need to do to sign up for this life-altering "social experiment"? Simple! Just give the Coca-Cola corporation unrestricted access to all the personal information and photographs that you have on Facebook, and it will do the rest — whatever horrifying invasion of privacy "the rest" means.

Brave new world.

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Speaking of advertising, and of being an old fuddy-duddy prescriptivist or whatever, no matter how many times I listen to the voiceover in this commercial, I can't hear anything except "Dominatrix do it on command" — which is so HORRENDOUSLY WRONG I can't quite believe my ears. Hello, pistachio guys? Dominatrices? Dominatrixes? Or did you just think to yourselves, "Hey, it's a foreign-sounding word, it probably follows some weird pluralisation rule"? Jesus. I think my new slogan is going to be Doesn't anyone own a fucking dictionary anymore?.

2 comments:

vinny said...

Maybe your slogan can be compressed?
"OED:QED Muthafucka"

Anonymous said...

How about the fact that he is saying a dominatrix does it on command is butt wrong itself. A dominatrix GIVES the commands. lol

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