July 04, 2009

It's Almost Too Easy

From NJ.com: Black bear knocks down Vernon man, steals sandwich
VERNON — Police are searching for a bear that attacked a man outside his house and made off with a hoagie-style sandwich.

"We're devoting a good deal of manpower to finding the culprit," said Lt. Jack Halfablap of the Vernon Police, "but we're not very optimistic. It's clear we're dealing with something smarter than the average bear, here."

The bear opened the hoagie, removed the lettuce, onion and tomato, and then made off with the rest of the sandwich before victim Henry Rouwendal could even get himself off the ground. The attack happened so quickly Rouwendal bearly even caught a glimpse of his assailant, though he was able to offer a few clues to the authorities.

"The suspect is probably between 300 and 400 pounds, with brown fur, a light snout, a matching green hat and tie, and no pants," said Halfablap, who added that the bear is also wanted on one count of indecent exposure.

Vernon police are also consulting with Park Ranger John Francis Smith, an expert on such attacks. "I'm extremely concerned by this incident," explained Smith, who thinks a second bear may still be at large. "It's very rare for bears to operate without an accomplice in cases like this one. Searching for only one bear would be a real boo-boo."

Officials at nearby state parks are on high alert. "Bears may sleep 'til noon," said a spokesperson, "but before it's dark, they might have every hoagie sandwich that's in Ringwood State Park."

The investigation continues.
Real story is slightly less hilarious, alas.

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