Conversations With Greatness CCXLII

They Were Too Busy Organising a Piss-up in a Brewery

From BBC NEWS | Northern Ireland: Fire station destroyed in blaze mess of irony

Rathfriland fire station has been destroyed in an overnight fire in County Down. . . .

Twenty firefighters managed to bring the fire under control but it was too far advanced when they arrived for the station to be saved.

When they ARRIVED? From WHERE?!!

Area commander Don McKay told residents there were still ample facilities in place to fight other fires:

"So the local community need not worry - a fire appliance will arrive if they need one."

. . . Four appliances from Newry were used to tackle the fire.

What the fuck is a "fire appliance", anyway? Is it just a stupid way to say fire engine or what?

They're On Their Way To Sing Sing

From Newsvine: 100 canaries seized in Conn. bird fighting ring

SHELTON — Police in Connecticut say they've seized more than 100 canaries and arrested 19 people in connection with a bird fighting operation.

They've also released this picture of the ringleader:

If you wish to keep up-to-date with further developments in this story, you can follow it, naturally, on Twitter.

An Open Letter To Snooty Londoners

Dear Snooty Londoners,

Having lived and worked in your city for a year of my life, I am compelled to agree with you that it is, indeed, a world-class destination replete with fun, trendy, and impressively over-priced businesses and services, such as bars, cafes, shops, museums, economy–crippling institutions, etc.

However, I must take issue with your assertion that Edinburgh is somehow inferior to the English capital, and furthermore contend that you should:

A. Fuck off

B. Go back to London if you love it so fucking much

C. Learn to appreciate that different cities in fact have different kinds of charm, and that the availability of, e.g., expensive designer cupcakes, bars with creative male/female signs outside the bathrooms, restaurants showcasing the cuisines of obscure countries and ethnic groups that your friends haven't heard of, etc., is not necessarily the ultimate criterion for evaluating the desirability of any given place. (For instance, one of Edinburgh's most beguiling features is that it is not FULL OF FUCKING LONDONERS ALL THE TIME.)

If you require any clarification on any of the above, I suggest you consult your iPhone.

Kind regards,
A. Ladd

And The Oobleck Will Inherit The Earth

From FOX News: Giant Mystery Blob Moves Through Alaska

This is the second giant blob story in as many months. Is anyone else worried? Where are all these giant blobs suddenly coming from? What do they want? HOW WILL WE STOP THEM?!

Conversations With Greatness CCXLI

Two Left Effete

Seen in the New York Times Dining section, July 15:

Corrections

An article last Wednesday about the etiquette of serving leftovers misspelled the name of a town in Maine where a meal was prepared with leftovers. It is Surry, not Surrey.

Glad we got that cleared up.

Swine Flu Update: Day 98

I never thought I would find myself praising the American 24-hour news cycle, but having returned to Britain I must say that I really do admire how quickly the U.S. media was able to exhaust its swine flu scare-mongering; here in the U.K., the ridiculous alarmism is still going strong — and that brings us to today's exciting instalment of . . .

TRUMP THAT!

Our first contender, from BBC News:

The UN's top health official has opened a forum in Mexico on combating swine flu by saying that the spread of the virus worldwide is now unstoppable.

Hmm, well, "unstoppable" is pretty strong language, I suppose, but I'm sure somebody can

TRUMP THAT!

Next up, from The Guardian:

A six-month swine flu pandemic in the UK could cost the economy about £60bn and extend the recession by around two years, an economic thinktank warned today.

Fuck yeah! £60 billion! Now we're talking! But still, that's only money, after all — there must be some kind of more pervasive disruption we could come up with to

TRUMP THAT!

Like this item, from All Headline News:

British Airways and Virgin Atlantic will not allow travelers with symptoms of influenza A (H1N1) to board their planes unless they have a medical clearance to travel.

That's right, folks, if you cough or sneeze at an airport anytime soon, God help you! Speaking of God, there's a good way to

TRUMP THAT!

See, losing money and disrupting travel plans is one thing, but in this Times piece, it seems like the swine flu might actually screw with RELIGION:

The annual Haj pilgrimage to Mecca could be under threat because of swine flu. . . . Britain today joined a growing list of countries in the Middle East and Africa to issue advice to Muslim pilgrims not to travel to Saudi Arabia.

I don't know, though — in terms of overall disruption to individuals and society alike, maybe we could still

TRUMP THAT!

. . . with this article from the BBC in which we learn:

Ministers have been asked to consider closing schools this autumn to help curb the number of swine flu cases.

School's out forever! But hey, why stop with unnecessarily quarantining children? Let's

TRUMP THAT!

As we learn from The Guardian, we could just avoid children altogether:

The National Childbirth Trust (NCT) advised women to consider delaying pregnancy until the pandemic had passed.

No more babies until the flu has ceased to exist! Because if we stop having babies, eventually the flu will run out of people to infect. Clever, right?

WE HAVE A WINNER!

He Thinks The Whole Galaxy Revolves Around Him

From BBC SPORT | Football: Beckham confronts fans after boos

David Beckham was involved in an angry confrontation with Los Angeles Galaxy fans during his first home game since completing his loan spell at AC Milan.

Resentment towards Beckham has run high among L.A. fans recently, following angry words by teammate Landon Donovan about Beckham's lack of commitment to the Galaxy, and also Beckham's general lack of commitment to the Galaxy.

At Sunday's game, the crowd booed Beckham pretty much every time he got the ball, and because he has an inflated sense of his own importance and is unaccustomed to people not clamouring to stick their heads up his ass, he threw a bit of a hissy fit about it, taking time off during the game to approach the stands and taunt the fans back. He then attempted to jump over the barrier and kick some ass in that girly, faux-hawked, sarong-wearing way of his, and had to be restrained. (He later claimed he was only trying to shake the guy's hand.)

After all of which, I'm mighty tempted to tell him to GROW THE FUCK UP, except that he's far more entertaining when he's being an immature little bitch:

The match itself ended 2-2, Beckham doing his talking on the pitch by having a hand in both Galaxy goals.

For the first he played a trademark cross-field ball to Donovan, who then set up Alan Gordon, while for the second, and with Galaxy 2-1 down, it was Beckham's corner that was headed home by Bryan Jordan.

After that he turned to a section of fans who had been particularly vociferous and shrugged his shoulders.

Commenting on the match's events afterwards, Beckham also noted, with his characteristic eloquence and insight:

"It was only one or two that, you know, it was to be expected. . . . Sometimes it goes beyond it. . . . That's the way it is."

I totally hear what you're saying, man: sometimes it does go beyond it.

Sigh.

Conversations With Greatness CCXL

What Did The Jewish Cannibal's Family Say About Him Once They Were Dead?

Hy ate us!

I will be away from the internet for the next week, and will answer your queries upon my return.

In an emergency, please contact the real world.

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXIX

Eureka!

From weather.com: Myths About Lightning

True Or False?

• A car's rubber tires give protection from lightning.

False! Actually, the car itself is very well insulated and offers more protection than being outside in the storm. Of course, the exception to this is the convertible.

Thanks for clearing that up.

The Hearts of the Matter

From The Scottish Daily Record: Edinburgh Airport evacuated and flights delayed in security alert

Edinburgh Airport was hit by a security alert today, with flights delayed and hundreds of passengers evacuated after a suspicious package was found. . . .

Travellers were ordered to leave the main terminal and food court area. . . .

Among those affected were the Hearts football team, who were due to fly to Germany for pre-season training. The players were in the departure lounge waiting for their flight and a report on the club's website said they were allowed to stay there during the scare.

The club's management reasoned that if the entire squad were killed in an explosion, it might improve their chances of winning the cup this year, HEY-OH!

Nein!

From Newsvine: Germans win men's beach volleyball worlds

This will probably sound kind of sexist, but I'm just going to come right out and say it anyway:

German men have no business playing beach volleyball.

That is all.

It's Almost Too Easy

From NJ.com: Black bear knocks down Vernon man, steals sandwich

VERNON — Police are searching for a bear that attacked a man outside his house and made off with a hoagie-style sandwich.

"We're devoting a good deal of manpower to finding the culprit," said Lt. Jack Halfablap of the Vernon Police, "but we're not very optimistic. It's clear we're dealing with something smarter than the average bear, here."

The bear opened the hoagie, removed the lettuce, onion and tomato, and then made off with the rest of the sandwich before victim Henry Rouwendal could even get himself off the ground. The attack happened so quickly Rouwendal bearly even caught a glimpse of his assailant, though he was able to offer a few clues to the authorities.

"The suspect is probably between 300 and 400 pounds, with brown fur, a light snout, a matching green hat and tie, and no pants," said Halfablap, who added that the bear is also wanted on one count of indecent exposure.

Vernon police are also consulting with Park Ranger John Francis Smith, an expert on such attacks. "I'm extremely concerned by this incident," explained Smith, who thinks a second bear may still be at large. "It's very rare for bears to operate without an accomplice in cases like this one. Searching for only one bear would be a real boo-boo."

Officials at nearby state parks are on high alert. "Bears may sleep 'til noon," said a spokesperson, "but before it's dark, they might have every hoagie sandwich that's in Ringwood State Park."

The investigation continues.

Real story is slightly less hilarious, alas.

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXVIII

Choose Your Own Punchline

From Newsvine: Andy vs. Andy: Roddick faces Murray at Wimbledon

Setup:

The current edition of Wimbledon is the 23rd Grand Slam tournament since Andy Roddick won his lone major championship at the 2003 U.S. Open.

He badly wants to win a second. . . .

"[T]he whole gig when he hired me is we've got to win a Slam," Roddick's coach, Larry Stefanki, said. . . . "Winning a Slam is what it's all about. Coming in second is like kissing your sister"

Punchline (a): He gets to go on Maury Povich afterwards?

Punchline (b): Yeah, except I'm pretty sure you don't get half a million pounds for kissing your sister.

Punchline (c): The sentiment was echoed by a spokesperson for the Society of Incest Survivors (SIS), who said in a prepared statement that "kissing your sister is like losing in the final at Wimbledon".

Punchline (d): Stefanki then winked and added, "unless your sister is really hot, in which case fuck tennis."

Abbreviation Fail

Funny, I didn't realise Circuit City owned Don Cherry in the first place. ZING!