May 17, 2009

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Right now I am supposed to be cleaning up a short story for a competition with a deadline tomorrow, and then finishing up the 6,000 per-week novel words I told myself I'd write this summer. Instead, douchebag housebuyer is standing outside my window trying to rationalise to his wife, over the phone, why they should put in an offer on the open house he just went to, and I can't f@#ing concentrate on anything else.

Some highlights:
"I mean, the driveway is a little small, and there's no garage, but do we really need two cars?"

"Well, it's definitely on a quiet street. Not super close to the T, though. Can you imagine how long the street we live on now is? So it's about the total length of our street from Harvard Square.… No, you're thinking of Central Square."

"So the decks are a little worn, but there are two decks, so it's a lot of outdoor space, which is great."

"I mean, they're asking a lot for it right now, but they said they don't have a broker yet, so I think if we make them an offer now we might get away with not paying any fees."

"The bathroom floor is a little… But, you know we could tile over it or something."

"And if we submitted our offer tomorrow, we could find out as soon as twelve to twenty-four hours from now!"

"The thing is, okay, there's a lot that needs doing, but it's a really great space, you know?"

"So it's three bedrooms, which is more than we need, I know, but for the price it's a pretty good deal."

"The problem is, if we offer this much and then they say no, what's going to happen is it might go to a broker after all."

"Well, okay, so there's this guy in the building next door who is staring out the window and pointing at me and making a throat-slitting gesture, but probably we'll never actually run into him in person, you know?"
It has been approximately thirty-five minutes now since this conversation began. Are you as irritated yet as I am?

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