August 16, 2008

The Strict Attorney

To ensure that I can help bring hope and change and whatnot to The Greatest Country In The World™ come November, I recently renewed my absentee ballot in Florida. As an added bonus of spreading democracy, I am back on the mailing list for a whole muck of campaign leaflets regarding a number of upcoming local elections.

Like the race for the office of State Attorney in the Seventh Judicial Circuit of the State of Florida. Hold on to your hats!

Taking a page out of Mitt Romney's book (now there's an election winner), our first contender is John F. Tanner. (I don't actually know if that's his middle initial, but it sounds good, don't you think?) His campaign slogan is the grammatically infuriating:
Re-Elect Tanner State Attorney.
Proven. Effective. Leadership.
Yes, that's right: vote Tanner. Adjective. Adjective. Noun. I mean, for God's sake, is this an election campaign or a linguistics experiment?

Tanner proudly boasts that his office has sent eighteen murderers to death row — which I guess makes pretty good sense as a campaign talking point in an election for state attorney between two Republicans, but still, doesn't it sound tawdry? "Eighteen dudes are going to die because of me. Vote Tanner."

Not that he has much competition, anyway, as he's a four-term incumbent with approximately four times as much money as his opponent, Asian immigrant Charles Tan. In fact, pretty much the only thing that could throw the campaign off course at this point would be the entry of long-time local lawyer Bob C. Tannest.

Okay, yes, sadly I made that up. His real opponent is JR Larizza, a former state corrections officer from Jacksonville. But frankly, the competition ain't too stiff. The most impressive boasts on Larizza's campaign website are probably these:
RJ has numerous extended family members and many friends whom he enjoys sharing his time with [sic] when the opportunity arises.

RJ follows the Latin phrase "Carpe Diem" - seize the day.
So, a social butterfly Latin scholar versus a murderer murderer. Who do we think stands a better chance?

Be sure to tune in next week for my coverage of the exciting race for West Volusia County Hospital Authority Group A, Seat 1, between Tracy Lunquist, Voloria Manning, and (this one I'm not making up), John Adams.

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