January 14, 2008

Vernon Coleman: The Definitive Companion
Part 1

When I was at home in November (this was the same day as the infamous earcandling flyer), a circular came through the letter slot for a book by "author" Vernon Coleman, entitled Oil Apocalypse: How To Survive, Protect Your Family And Profit Through The Coming Years Of Crisis. The ad was hilarious, and I'll get to it in a moment, but first an introduction to what I hope will be an entertaining and recurring segment here on the blog.

The flyer mentioned Dr Coleman had a website, which I duly visited, and I must say I was delighted at the sheer volume of pure, unadulterated CRAP on it. Dr Coleman is perhaps the most prolific conservative moron to design a Geocities website that I have ever come across, and I look forward to many happy hours of systematically lampooning some of his more ridiculous statements over the coming weeks (months? years?). For instance: "Requiem For UKIP" [=UK Independence Party, possible the most bigoted and obscene political party in Britain], "Nurses Aren't Competent to Make Resuscitation Decisions", and the surreal classic "Don't Trust The Telephone". But for now, OIL APOCALYPSE!!!
Fact 1: The world’s oil supply is running out?
Fact 2: facts don't end with question marks?
Dear Reader,

The world you know is going to change dramatically and permanently. There will be no cars, no lorries, no buses, no aeroplanes and no supermarkets. The rich will travel by horse and cart. The middle classes will use bicycles. The poor will walk.
My God, that does sound apocalyptic! Bicycles! Walking! Apparently Holland has already reached the apocalypse.
The disaster inexorably heading our way will make any natural disaster, any tsunami, seem inconsequential. Forget global warming. Forget terrorism. They are, as you will see, trivial problems.
Because, apparently, according to Dr Coleman, five BILLION people will die as a result of the oil crisis — far more than any wussy tsunami could even hope to wipe out.
In Oil Apocalypse you will learn how to survive and how to protect you and your family through the coming years of crisis. You will also learn the following:

* Why there will be millions of people living on the streets - Page74
* Why our gas supply is also at risk - Page 92
* Which towns will survive in the near future - Page 92
* Which homes will survive better than others - Page 97
* Why supermarkets won’t survive - Page 18
* Why people will have to stop eating meat - Page 101
* The effect global warming will have on our health - Page 101
* What every home with a garden will have to do in order to survive - Page 102
* What jobs will be redundant and which jobs will be successful (anyone with children or grandchildren ought to read this!) - Page 103
* What will happen to our food? - Page 92
* The shocking truth what the Government might do to our currency - Page 74
* Why Britain is going to be one of the countries that will suffer the most Page 103
Page 92 sounds pretty awesome! What will happen to our gas supply, which towns are at risk, AND the fate of our food stockpiles. That must be a mother of a pie chart!

The other two items I found interesting were:
* What thieves will be stealing in the future - Page 96 . . .
* The disgusting truth about palm oil Page 67
So, I'm guessing thieves won't be stealing palm oil.

The letter ends with the extraordinary promise:
I know that this book will help you and your family to survive the desperate years ahead… I don’t believe it is any exaggeration to say that this is the most important book you’ll ever read.
Clearly you haven't read Horton Hears A Who.

Man, seriously, randomly sample some of the tripe on his website. Some of it seems almost too absurd to be credible.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Can you really lampoon a lampoon? Isn't this guy is a Stephen Colbert knock-off?
-Ian

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