• Mitt Romney is either a flagrant plagiarist or is, in fact, a complex android built and controlled by the New England Patriots. Possibly both. The proof can be seen pretty conclusively in the logo on his campaign website (www.mittromney.com):
Come on, Mitt Romney: why are you trying to taint the purity of the National Football League with your partisan hatred? Get your own damn logo.
• Mitt Romney writes his campaign slogans using nothing more than a set of magnetic poetry with most of the tiles missing. "Mitt Romney: True Strength for America's Future" is bad enough as far as meaningless strings of buzzwords go, but click into "The Romney Agenda" and you're greeted with:
The Romney Agenda.What the fuck does that mean, huh, Mitt? I could do that and you don't see me entertaining delusions of running for President:
Strong. New. Leadership.
The Ladd Agenga.I mean, seriously, is this a political campaign or a Gertrude-sodding-Stein poem?
Truth. Justice. Punctuation.
• Mitt Romney has five sons, named Tagg (after the bodyspray, presumably), Josh, Ben, Craig and (this one's the best) Matt. This is so they can have Christmas cards printed that say:
The Romney Family.In fact, not a single person in Romney's immediate family has a name with more than one syllable. What are you trying to hide, Mitt? Do you know who else liked one-syllable names? KARL MARX.
Tagg. Josh. Ben. Craig. Matt.
Coming up next: Mitt on Foreign Policy!