October 09, 2007

Blast From The Past

You know what I haven't done in a long time? Make ranty fun of a "lifestyle" article from the bowels of the intraweb. To that end, I proudly present a plehtoric pundigrions cherry-popping.

From MSN Lifestyle: 10 reasons it's great to be single
10. Your shoe inventory is nobody's business but your own
Seriously, do you realize how much a full-time partner would complain about your shoe collection?
Oh, come on. Shoes? Really? Why not just write, "10. Crippling consumer debt"? Besides, we live in such heady metrosexual times, most men are only going to complain about your shoe collection because they're jealous that it's bigger than theirs.
9. The only mess in your home is your own mess!
Picking up after a man is a sure way to kill the romance.
Um, how about you don't fucking do it, then? Are we really still at the stage where women are expected to clean up after their patriarchal overlord? I mean, we live in such heady metrosexual times, most men... Oh.
8. Trust us; you'll have peace of mind
...but a poor grasp of colon usage.
7. Any night is girls' night
If you want to get all dolled up and hit the town with your friends... You can do so any night, without having to check in with you-know-who.
Alternatively, just don't date Lord freakin' Voldemort to begin with.
6. You don't have to deal with in-laws
Although, Lord Voldemort was an orphan, so I guess you could really go either way on that one.
5. It's all about you, all the time
You can do what you want, go where you want, eat what you want, wear what you want, sleep in when you want, get up when you want, shop where you want ...
I'm sorry, who are you dating that won't let you do these things in the first place? Job?
4. That big, comfortable bed is ALL yours
Hey, fellas, how is this different from when women are in a relationship, eh?! Eh! Am I right? Gimme some skin! Aw.
3. Birthdays and special occasions will never be forgotten
Because NOBODY will LOVE YOU ENOUGH to even KNOW them IN THE FIRST PLACE.
2. Your entertainment options will always be entertaining to you
We're talking about masturbation, right?
And the number one reason it's great to be single?

1. Independence: That's hot!
Instead of falling into a relationship just because that's what you think you should do, embrace your singlehood and just do it all for yourself.
I would buy this more if the two links at the top of the page under "Related Content" weren't:

(a) "How to find a husband", and
(b) "Asexuality" (as if the only alternative to not being in a relationship is chastity for now and ever more.)

(Although, actually, I guess that has kind of been my experience.)

(Sigh.)

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have to write alot these days and so I drank coffee to keep me going. But I had forgotten how bloated and shitty coffee makes me feel. what I am trying to say here is thank you for providing me with this much needed comical relief wedged in between my headache and belly ache.

as for the points you made: sing it sista!

also, how are you? I will email you soon.

gah!

Anonymous said...

oh that was me. M.E. get it? Ehteshami ova here!

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