May 20, 2007

Don't Bank On It

With Paul Wolfowitz departing yet another international theatre with his trademark scandal and disgrace, the first question on everybody's mind is: who will be the next president of the World Bank? (The second question: whatever happened to Yanni? Nobody's mentioned him in months.)

In association with the creepy bookie around the corner, a rundown of the main contenders:

Tony Blair (2-1): Blair's a talented statesman with a winsome smile, and his non-threatening brand of socialism plays well even with conservatives. Also, now that Labour has given him the bum's rush, he will have plenty of time on his hands and, frankly, I think everyone would rather he do something constructive instead of traipsing around the globe charging a million bucks a speech like Bill Clinton.

Donald Rumsfeld (5-1): Rumsfeld fits the mould perfectly. A Bush administration official who was put to pasture because of the Iraq debacle, he has a proven track record of royally fucking things up and then pretending like nothing's wrong; precisely the sort of can-do attitude that can help someone go far at the World Bank. He's also recently shown his publicly-spirited side by drafting plans for an educational foundation to help train future Defense Secretaries, compounding the need to distract him somehow.

Al Gore (7-1): I dunno, everyone seems to think Al Gore should be the president of something these days.

Shambo (25-1): It looks like this sacred bull is no longer welcome at his Welsh Hindu temple, after testing positive for TB in a routine screening. Public health officials want to have the animal put down, apparently not aware that killing their sacred cow is pretty much the worst thing you could do to a group of Hindus. Said a spokesperson: "Hey, we figured we've already pissed off half of Islam, why not go that extra mile?"

Drafting Shambo for World Bank president would help defuse a delicate cultural misunderstanding and also, quite likely, reduce the amount of bullshit that comes out of the World Bank president's office. Hey-oh!

Prince Harry (40-1): At least if he were appointed World Bank president, we could finally stop wasting ink speculating on whether or not he'll be sent to Iraq. (He will! He won't! He will! He won't!)

Yanni (80-1): Seriously, whatever happened to that guy?

John Bolton (100-1): I guess the Bush administration just puts him on the list for any position that comes up these days.

A well-trained and competent economist with a proven track record (1,000,000,000,000-1): Don't be silly.

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