March 17, 2007

This Week In Penises

You'll have to indulge me in a little phallocentrism today, because in the course of trying to find out more about one headline that had caught my eye at work yesterday, I discovered all kinds of other penis-related news that I now feel the need to pass on (it's kind of like that therapy where you get over something traumatic by writing about it).

So, first, a story from South Africa:
Penis found outside house

Hazyview - A man's penis was found outside a house at Masoyi village near Hazyview in Mpumalanga, police said on Sunday.
A man's penis, as opposed to... ?
Police were summoned and enquiries were made to local residents, but to no avail.

[Superintendent Benjamin Mtsholi] Bhembe said police were investigating and urged anyone with information to contact the nearest police station
Added Bhembe: "Cockless Joe, I'm looking in your direction."

Elsewhere, scientists have discovered a duck with a seventeen inch penis – the same length as its body. The scientists who discovered the specimen speculate that:
the giant penis may be an example of 'runaway' sexual selection… This species is "promiscuous and boisterous in their sexual activity", which means that there is likely to be stiff competition by drakes to be the father of ducklings.
Dur, I'm no scientist, but I think male sexual competition is always stiff, ZING!

Speaking of indecorous use of the word stiff, what about this headline?
Penis pump judge faces stiff sentence

A retired US judge is himself before the beak in Bristow, Oklahoma, "on charges he used a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while sitting in judgment of others", AP reports…

[Court Reporter Lisa Foster] testified that during a 2002 trial, she heard the pump "during the emotional testimony of a murdered toddler's grandfather". She continued: "The grandfather was getting real teary-eyed, and the judge was up there pumping on that pump. It was sickening."
Though, indeed, sickening, this is the tame version of the story! Another paper goes into more detail:
All nine former jurors testified Thursday that they had heard a whooshing sound frequently while they were in the jury box for one murder trial in 2003… When prosecutor Richard Smothermon showed the witnesses the penis pump that was in evidence, allegedly belonging to Thompson, and squeezed the pump handle, each juror identified the sound as the one they had heard during the 2003 murder trial…

Two court reporters, Michelle Smith and Jan Doolin, who cleaned out Thompson's chambers after he retired in 2004 when the penis pump allegations first surfaced, testified that they had found hand lotion, a pornographic magazine, a condom, Viagara [sic] and some disposable razors. Prosecutors say that Thompson also "shaved his scrotum" during one of his trials.
Predictably, following that incident, Thompson was given the sack, HEY-OH!

Boy, though, would I love to see the transcript of that session:
Prosecutor: Um, OBJECTION?!

Judge: Huh? Oh, right… Overruled.
I think that's enough prurience for one day.

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