February 12, 2007

Phoning It In

Australian Prime Minister John Howard has launched an impassioned bid to officially join the ranks of Republican douchebags who equate Iraq withdrawal with supporting al Qaeda. Speaking without any apparent relevance, authority or invitation about Barack Obama's recent plunge into Democratic Presidential candidacy, Mr Howard remarked:
[Mr Obama's Iraq plan] will just encourage those who want to completely destabilise and destroy Iraq, and create chaos and a victory for the terrorists . . . If I were running al-Qaeda in Iraq, I would put a circle around March 2008 and be praying as many times as possible for a victory not only for Obama but also for the Democrats.
In an unusually direct response, Mr Obama organised a conference call to rebut Mr Howard's attack, the transcript of which has miraculously appeared on this blog.

Obama: Is everyone dialled in?

All: Yes.

Obama: Okay, I'll turn it over to our neutral, third party moderator to kick things off.

Stephen Harper: Thank you, Barack. Participating in today's call are myself, Mr Obama, Prime Minister Howard, Australian MP Cameron Thompson, Australian Foreign Minister Alexander Downer and The Rock. I think we're all aware of Mr Howard's initial statement, so shall we skip straight to your rebuttal, Mr Obama?

Obama: I would note that we have close to 140,000 troops on the ground now, and my understanding is Mr Howard has deployed 1,400, so if he is (ready) to fight the good fight in Iraq, I would suggest that he calls up another 20,000 Australians and sends them to Iraq.

Harper: The moderator recognises a wicked burn on Mr Howard.

Downer: I hate to disappoint people who don't agree with John Howard and me and the Australian Government, but it's a free world and we are entitled to a point of view.

Howard: Yes, quite right. I also have some satirical cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed I'd like to share.

Obama: Mr Moderator, I would like that last remark stricken from the record. It is, like, so 2006.

Harper: It is so struck. Mr Howard, please refrain from using cultural references that only bloggers still remember.

Howard: Well, there goes my Ashlee Simpson lip-syncing analogy.

Thompson: I think John Howard is absolutely correct when he says that Barrack Obama's policy is not just wrong, it is I think fundamentally evil.

Howard: Well, now, come on, I never used the word evil.

Obama: It was pretty well implied by the "if I were al Qaeda I'd be praying for Obama" remark.

Harper: Mr Obama, I think we can all agree that implication plays no part in political debate.

Obama: Why are you guys even talking? Do you think Americans care what the Australian government says about me? Most of them probably think Australia is the name of an anti-depressant. Plus, I mean, come on, "al Qaeda wants Obama elected?" What next? "Obama is a flip flopper?" "Swift Boat Veterans Against Obama?" Why is it always the same old tired garbage?

Downer: [glum sigh]

Howard: I think that your plan is wrong. Why shouldn't I be entitled to say so?

Obama: Because, you are abusing your position as a world leader to crowbar your piddling opinions into the media and further muddle what is already a grotesquely manipulative dialogue on the "issues".

Harper: Piddling? How do we feel about that?

Thompson: I think we can safely say that it is fundamentally evil.

Howard: Its tone is a little insulting.

Obama: Okay, fine, consider it retracted.

Harper: Hey, I'm the moderator here, I'll tell you when something is retracted.

Obama: You brought it up in the first place!

Harper: Mr Obama, please refrain from directing exclamation marks at the moderator.

Obama: You know what, I think I'm done. Can we wrap this up?

Harper: Closing remarks anyone? The Rock? You've been fairly quiet.

The Rock: No, thank you, Stephen. I'm just happy to have been invited.

Harper: Okay then. Many thanks to you all for participating in this frank and enlightened exchange of ideas.

[End transcript]

[Editor's note: I think it's clear this entire transcript, other than the portions with a link attached, is a satirical fabrication and in no way should it be taken as representing the real opinions of any of the people mentioned. Except for The Rock, who genuinely was happy to be invited.]

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