December 02, 2006

Hotscot: The Early Years

I know my blog output has been less voluminous than usual lately (it's also been peppered with more needlessly large vocabulary items; thanks Word Of The Day emails!). But, rather than do anything to rectify the situation like, oh, say, phone up and yell at the broadband company some more, or stop going out at the weekends, I've decided instead to avoid the problem by posting things I wrote years ago, in a misguided attempt at retrospective. Today, a satirical news piece I wrote back in 2002, when I was young hothead infuriated with the administration (now, of course, I reserve my ire for daytime television stars):

Washington, DC— After months of infuriating diplomats the world over by withdrawing US support for several international initiatives, such as the Kyoto Protocol and the Anti-Ballistic Missiles treaty, President George W Bush today rejected yet another attempt at creating a better world for everybody.

The International Commission For Ending Famine, War And Disease (TICFEFWAD) drafted the treaty earlier this month at a top secret, diplomatic 'Bat Cave' deep underneath The Hague. The agreement, which has already been signed by every other nation on the planet, would effectively put an end to all human suffering for the rest of time if endorsed by the United States. But Bush says he will not ratify the treaty, citing evidence that "it's printed in an ugly typeface".

The President also draws attention to the fact that there is not one mention in the treaty of how amazing America is, nor is there any mention of his great-tasting, Texas-style, extra hot chili.

"How can I, like, sign my name to this, like, bogus agreement when, like, not one European bureaucrat has, like, bent over and taken it up the ass from me today?" asked the President, in an uncharacteristic display of rhetoric.

James Z Hackenbush, the head of TICFEFWAD, is disgusted by the President's non-compliance. "The whole thing is a debacle of the greatest degree. With Bush's endorsement, the Earth would become a utopian society, with perpetual peace and happiness. But apparently, the President is just too fond of reality TV to fully end human suffering."

After Bush's overwhelming negativity, the agreement began to rapidly lose cohesion, with several other countries withdrawing their support on the grounds that there was no fucking point in signing any fucking treaties anymore. Jahatswa Neebuwany, representative of a small Eastern European country which has had two civil wars and been annexed by Slovakia since time of writing, had this to say of Bush’s behaviour: “Is this going to be on TV? Come to Jahatswa’s House of Expired Mayonnaise for all your condiment needs. What? No, I don’t want to talk about President Bush.”

Other diplomats, however, are less understanding. He has been branded “a thoughtless bastard”, “a blundering fool”, and “an American” by various representatives, who wish to remain anonymous.

Quick to come to Bush’s defense is his second-in-command, Vice President Dick Cheney. “George is just doing what he thinks is best for Americans everywhere,” maintains Cheney. “He read the treaty very carefully and ruminated over his possible actions for several seconds before coming to his decision, but he feels that it would be too damaging to the US economy. I believe there was also no mention of his chili.” The Vice President then made an irreverent joke about his pacemaker.

The remaining members of TICFEFWAD are already drawing up a new draft of the treaty, which includes several new clauses; such as a to-be-instated worldwide America Appreciation Day; an injection of European tax money into the US television industry; and an endorsement of the President’s chili. The new treaty is expected to be unveiled sometime next month, at which point Bush will wipe his poo-encrusted bottom with it again.
Chris, any word on whether or not there actually is a secret diplomatic Bat Cave underneath The Hague?

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