November 06, 2006

It's A Bare Cop

From Man removes sharp handtool from rear at gunpoint

Which, incidentally, sounds like it should be a cryptic crossword clue.
EL CERRITO, Calif. - A police encounter with a naked man near the El Cerrito BART station turned into an arrest on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon Thursday.
Now, really, how can you arrest a naked dude for carrying a concealed weapon? That'll never fly in court.
Passersby called officers about 7:50 a.m. to report that a naked many was lying on a tree stump beside the Ohlone Greenway path, exposing himself and masturbating.

Police saw John Sheehan and arrested him on suspicion of indecent exposure.
Officers led him to the nearest street. Before putting Sheehan in the back of his car, Sgt. Paul Keith asked him if he had anything on him that police should know about.

Sheehan replied that he had hidden a screwdriver in his anal cavity, Horgan said.
Unsure about what to do, police called for a fire engine.
I can't stop laughing at this line, no matter how many times I read it. I just have this mental image of a bunch of cops standing around scratching their heads over it.
Cop 1: Well, I mean… Who should we call about this? A doctor? A handyman?
Cop 2: I have my rabbi on speed dial.
Cop 1: I guess it's really more of a medical thing.
Cop 3: You know, something similar happened to my brother once.
Cop 1: Well, what did he do?
Cop 3: I think it just came out on its own, eventually.
Cop 2: What about Johnny Knoxville?
Cop 1: It just seems like the sort of thing I would call a doctor for, if it were me.
Cop 2: Or a hooker.
Cop 3: Actually, now that I think about it, maybe my brother used pliers.
Cop 1: We're supposed to use pliers to get it out? That sounds kind of painful.
Cop 3: No, the pliers were what was stuck.
Cop 1: Oh. Gross.
Cop 3: Wait, wait. What if this guy were a tree, and the screwdriver were a cat?
Cop 1: Of course!
Cop 2: Oh, sure, pick his crackpot idea.
Sorry, I've been getting a little scatological in my story selection lately, haven't I?

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