November 11, 2006

Fan Mail

By the way, in response to my post about the IT policy at work, I received the following email, which I found so hilarious I simply had to share it.
Oh poor hotscot, fallen among humourless and politically correct minions of Mammon! No “derogatory comments, statements, jokes, pictures or messages relating to gender, religion, race, colour, ethnic background, national origin, age, sexual preference, marital status, family responsibilities, pregnancy and disability”? Shock and horror. I guess this means that you couldn’t, in your lunch-hour at least, write and post:

“I’m writing this to let you know that I can’t stand the rancid smell of fermented soybeans coming off a certain quasi-male, pseudo-Buddhist, bigotedly and allegedly Caucasian black. What’s more, the pathetic Berber background and highly dubious Laotian citizenship of this 87-year-old transgendered bisexual divorcé[?é], who ‘supports’ no fewer than fourteen sadly undernourished children, all afflicted by foetal alcohol syndrome, from three previous disastrous marriages and is showily pregnant yet again, alas!, despite, or as a result of, being blind as a bat, really get on my tits. Ha ha! [See attached picture]”

I pity you in your deprivation. “O Commerce: what crimes are committed in thy name!”, or something.

An Anonymous Sympathiz/ser (and Member of the RSPCB)
The author is a charming linguist [sic] from Toronto, who has been a regular correspondent and occasional editor of mine for at least ten years (and a friend of the family for even longer). His daughter used to babysit for me while my dad and stepmother were at ante-natal classes, and we'd play an absurd hybrid of Scrabble and Balderdash, where any word was acceptable as long as you could supply a convincing definition.

All this to say, if you ever wondered where I get my insufferably intellectual wit from, you need look no further.

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