November 22, 2006

Annals of Improbable Headlines

From LAist.com: Taser-happy Cop's History Was One Reason for Tasers at UCLA
Terrence Duren, an 18-year veteran of the UCPD . . . hasn't had the smoothest career in law enforcement. He came to Westwood after being fired from the infamous Long Beach PD. A few years after being hired by UCLA he was accused of using his nightstick to choke a fratboy and the university asked the UCPD to fire Duren, but he was only given a three month suspension.
This is one of those stories that I really love, where every time you think you've reached the peak of horrifying insanity, it just keeps going. To wit:
In late 2003 Duren shot a homeless man, Willie Davis Frazier, Jr., in a Kerckhoff Hall bathroom.
Pretty kooky, right? WRONG!
During a 2004 preliminary hearing in which Duren testified against Frazier, the officer carried a Machiavelli book into court, "The Prince", which argues that the ends justifies the means.
Okay, now give us one last slam dunk.
"Did you know that this was Tupac's favorite book?" he asked.
LAist, by the way, is my new favourite website, with such journalistic gems as: Kramer Goes on Racist Tirade at the Laugh Factory:
The cellphone-camera/handycam starts rolling as soon as [Seinfeld's Michael] Richards screams "Fifty years ago we'd have you hanging upside-down with a fork in your ass," then continuing "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherfucker! Throw his ass out, he's a nigger, he's a nigger! He's a nigger!" And he didn't even say it in a funny way.
And how's this for a headline: Kelly Ripa Alludes to Clay Aiken's Fisting Rumours.

The problem is, I find it hard to come up with punchlines when the stories themselves make me laugh so much. How can I improve on Kelly Ripa alluding to fisting? That's comic gold!

I have to go to bed.

1 comment:

tony said...

thanks for the props!

Tony Pierce
Editor, LAist

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