It's Almost Too Easy

From NJ.com: Black bear knocks down Vernon man, steals sandwich

VERNON — Police are searching for a bear that attacked a man outside his house and made off with a hoagie-style sandwich.

"We're devoting a good deal of manpower to finding the culprit," said Lt. Jack Halfablap of the Vernon Police, "but we're not very optimistic. It's clear we're dealing with something smarter than the average bear, here."

The bear opened the hoagie, removed the lettuce, onion and tomato, and then made off with the rest of the sandwich before victim Henry Rouwendal could even get himself off the ground. The attack happened so quickly Rouwendal bearly even caught a glimpse of his assailant, though he was able to offer a few clues to the authorities.

"The suspect is probably between 300 and 400 pounds, with brown fur, a light snout, a matching green hat and tie, and no pants," said Halfablap, who added that the bear is also wanted on one count of indecent exposure.

Vernon police are also consulting with Park Ranger John Francis Smith, an expert on such attacks. "I'm extremely concerned by this incident," explained Smith, who thinks a second bear may still be at large. "It's very rare for bears to operate without an accomplice in cases like this one. Searching for only one bear would be a real boo-boo."

Officials at nearby state parks are on high alert. "Bears may sleep 'til noon," said a spokesperson, "but before it's dark, they might have every hoagie sandwich that's in Ringwood State Park."

The investigation continues.

Real story is slightly less hilarious, alas.

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXVIII

Choose Your Own Punchline

From Newsvine: Andy vs. Andy: Roddick faces Murray at Wimbledon

Setup:

The current edition of Wimbledon is the 23rd Grand Slam tournament since Andy Roddick won his lone major championship at the 2003 U.S. Open.

He badly wants to win a second. . . .

"[T]he whole gig when he hired me is we've got to win a Slam," Roddick's coach, Larry Stefanki, said. . . . "Winning a Slam is what it's all about. Coming in second is like kissing your sister"

Punchline (a): He gets to go on Maury Povich afterwards?

Punchline (b): Yeah, except I'm pretty sure you don't get half a million pounds for kissing your sister.

Punchline (c): The sentiment was echoed by a spokesperson for the Society of Incest Survivors (SIS), who said in a prepared statement that "kissing your sister is like losing in the final at Wimbledon".

Punchline (d): Stefanki then winked and added, "unless your sister is really hot, in which case fuck tennis."

Abbreviation Fail

Funny, I didn't realise Circuit City owned Don Cherry in the first place. ZING!

Planning Fail

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXVII

HALLOL

From The New York Times: Come Celebrate! No, Maybe Not

WASHINGTON — It was an attempt by President Obama to reach out to Iran with a classically American invitation: celebrate the Fourth of July with hot dogs and hearty fellowship at United States Embassies worldwide.

I'm sorry, it now qualifies as diplomacy to invite Iran to eat hot dogs? What brand were they planning to serve, Hebrew National? Oy.

On Wednesday, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who had authorized diplomatic posts this month to invite Iranians to their Independence Day parties, sent out a cable rescinding the invitations.

She then leant back in her chair, put her feet up on the desk, and waited for the violence in Tehran to stop.

In other news, the New York Times offered me a special "university faculty" rate for a subscription the other day, so starting September I'll be that much more of an insufferable intellectual. Finally, correcting all those student papers is paying off! When do the rest of my perks start arriving?